Monday, October 10, 2011

Just Have to Try Harder

I haven't been writing much lately. It's not that there isn't stuff to write about or that I don't want to write. It's that I can't seem to find the words to write about the biggest thing on my mind right now. It's that I can't seem to find it in me to write about other things when I all I can think about is this.

I worried when I wrote about my depression how I'd be judged, but I got over it because I felt it was important to put my story out there. This time, yes I worry that I will be judged, but even more so that he will be judged. I worry that my sweet little boy will be judged, and I'm not sure that's something I can handle.

I couldn't handle that, because I have the most wonderful little boy. I have the most wonderful little boy who doesn't deserve to be judged. He is sweet and affectionate. He is funny and articulate. He is sensitive and acutely aware of his surroundings. He's the one who spots the great blue heron flying in the distance and the turtle hiding in a shadowy pond. He completely throws himself into everything he does getting lost in elaborate imaginative play with pirates, superheros, princesses, parades, and more.  He makes piles and piles of books to read and sits seemingly forever while we read them. His favorite color is pink, and he makes up songs about random things throughout the day. He loves to learn and has always been the first kid at circle time for any organized activity we've ever done. He plays a good game of UNO and is a fabulous sous chef. He adores puddles, mud, and climbing trees. He runs laps around the outside of our house trying to beat his fastest time. He is a bundle of joy, energy, love, and cuddles.

And that's why I knew he was right when I laid in bed with him last night after a difficult evening and found myself unable to stop the tears.... he snuggled in and told me, "mama, maybe we just have to try harder."

So today, I will take a deep breath, shake it off, and remember why trying harder is the only option.

8 comments:

  1. Amy Corbet-ElsbreeOctober 10, 2011 at 9:54 AM

    I will not even try and pretend that I know what is going on in your life Jamie. I hope that it all gets better soon. You continue to love those precious little boys that you have been blessed with - because they are both just that, precious and a blessing. Wish I could give you a hug, but an e-hug will have to do [[HUGS]]

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  2. You are an amazing mom...the boys LOVE you and in the end love is supreme...it will fall into place...you are doing all the right things. Call anytime night day

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  3. Your boys are precious. And YOU are a patient and caring mom. In the few hours I saw you with them I could tell that right away. Your patience and love will go a long way in helping them (and you) through anything that is thrown their way.

    Hugs,
    Paula

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  4. That image of you two snuggled is so sweet. These kids are amazing beings of light.
    And I love your description of your son.

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  5. Thank you all for your kind words and support. One day at a time, and I'm sure I'll be writing more as I begin to figure it out... He's one amazing kid.

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  6. Jamie...this post hit home for me in a thousand ways. We must be going through similar things with our boys. My 4 year old and I find ourselves in the same position most days...even more so with coping with a new baby. So I guess I'm saying that I'm "there" with you and you are certainly not alone!

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