I am totally that mom.

Finding the Right Running Shoes

2012-02-12T08:32:00.000-05:00

The whole family has been sick for 12 days with everything from ear and throat infections to the puke bug. Not good. Really not good. As a result, I've got practically no training in since coming back from California almost two weeks ago.

But yesterday, I escaped the sickness for a few hours to go to an amazing shoe fitter who spent two hours with me along with two other customers helping us find the right shoes for our situations. I learned so much! He has some very informative videos on YouTube so check them out!

I learned that I'm wearing probably the best insoles you can get off the rack (obviously in this guy's opinion, but I sure like them!), but you can always benefit from some customization. For three times the price, I can get the same type of insoles custom molded to my feet. It's not in the budget right now, but it's way cheaper than medical orthotics and something I'll plan for in the future.

I learned that changing the way you lace a shoe can change its fit entirely! It was really neat. I'd put on a shoe and say that it felt a little uncomfortable in a spot, and he'd re-lace them in some crazy way and suddenly they felt amazing. Apparently, traditional shoe lacing puts pressure in the wrong spot on our foot and prevents it from moving correctly as we run.

I also learned that my shoe size is a 9.5 Wide. What?!? My first pair of Brooks Adrenaline GTS 11s that Road Runner Sports fitted me for in the spring was a size 8.5 wide. When I got a new pair in October, I went a half size up because of a constant black toe nail on my left foot. The black toe nail never went away and the other toes on that foot began to get badly blistered. My other foot was always fine. Turns out of my left foot is my bigger foot. No shock. But I now need a full size larger than what I started running in! This definitely contributed to my development of plantar fasciitis.

New Balance 1080 v2

After trying a number of shoes in a number of sizes laced a number of ways, I was torn. I tried these on and they felt really great except being a little narrow because they didn't have a wide in stock. But, then I found out, they are a neutral cushioning shoe opposed to a stability shoe like I've been wearing. I definitely over pronate so should I switch from a stability shoe? They felt sooo nice, though!

When I voiced concern over the stability issue, he recommended going with the Brooks Adrenaline I've been wearing in what we believe would be the correct size, 9.5 wide. He said whether I should try the neutral shoe depended on how much money I wanted to spend to experiment with shoes. Hmmm, I admit that at that point Road Runner Sports VIP 90 Day Wear and Love Them Guarantee was pretty appealing, but this guy had given me a lot of good information and I like buying local.

Either way, he'd have to order because neither was in stock in my size. I was really undecided so we decided to order both. I paid for the Adrenaline but if i like the New Balance better when they come in I can go with those instead. The other factor with the Adrenaline will be Adrenaline GTS 11 versus the new Adrenaline GTS 12. I am unsure which he was ordering and the store suddenly got busy, but I've never tried the 12 and am not sure how they'll feel.

I might have fallen in love with the NB 1080v2 when I discovered I could order this color.

I'm waiting the week or so until the shoes come in and then I'll go try them on to see what I think. Of course, if I'm switching to a neutral shoe that opens a wide world of possibilities. I'd love to try on Brooks neutral shoes as I've liked Brooks a lot, or maybe their lesser stability shoes would be a better transition. I have no idea.

I learned a lot, but I still have a lot of questions! I might drive the poor shoe fitter nuts before all is said and done.

On an unrelated positive note, I think I've found a chiropractor I'm really going to like. We decided to switch practices, but I really wanted a sports chiropractor who could help me with my plantar fasciitis and anything else that comes up. I think I found him! He's Active Release trained which was part of what I was looking for and certified in Spider Tech taping and sounded confident he could help me.

Whole Food Kitchen

2012-02-05T12:53:00.002-05:00

Do you remember my love of e-courses? It hasn't ended, just took a break. But I got registration for a new e-course given to me for Christmas, and I can't wait! Plus, a friend and I got a two for one deal so I am excited to share in this journey with her. This course is hosted by Heather at beauty that moves, the same person who hosted the 30 Day Vegan course I took last spring. This time around it's Whole Food Kitchen.

I'm really excited about this 12 week course that starts tomorrow (yes, you can still join!). I find we go through seasons in our home where we focus on some areas of our life. Lately, as I have struggled personally and other things have taken our attention, we've spent less time focused on nourishing our family with whole, real food. Don't get me wrong, we still don't usually eat fake food and we usually cook from scratch, but in different seasons we tend to slip or take what may be momentarily the easier way more often than others.

I've been feeling the pull to focus on filling our kitchen and our home with nourishing food that is as local and organic as possible. Throughout the farmer's market and CSA season there is easy access to great local, organic foods, but we are often less consistent through winter months. We're excited to be building some relationships that give us consistent year-round access to the kinds of food we want to eat. We've recently switched our family's milk over to raw, local milk which I am thrilled we were able to do. Additionally, we get farm fresh eggs delivered to our church weekly. And my husband is excited to be buying half a pig next week from a local farmer. Mmm bacon! We've ran out of our stores of grass-fed, grass finished organic beef so we are still looking for an affordable source for that. Plus, before we know it we'll be starting seeds for another year of successful gardening and preserving! I'm also back to baking most of our bread myself, and I'm going to perfect making my own yogurt from this fabulous raw milk we're now drinking.

This all means I am really excited for this e-course to give me more resources and inspiration on this journey!!

Hard things.

2012-02-03T07:20:00.000-05:00

In December, I read this post from Ann at Twelve in Twelve. She said that she can do hard things. She wrote,

Alright, apparently it’s a common saying. I heard it somewhere, sometime, from someone. (probably from my good friend, Ash!) And my brain held onto this little gem until I really needed it. For the past few workouts, especially today, I kept going back to that saying….

I read that post, and like hers, my brain held onto that until I really needed it. It came to mind during my awful 9 degree 18 mile training run. I thought about in the days leading up to the Tinker Bell half marathon as I thought about whether I was trained to PR. I wrote in on my hand for that race as I flew, wings and all, to a new PR!

Since getting back from California, it's been bumpy around here. Just the travel day home ended up including nearly 3 hours more than planned, 1 extra airport, a complete loss of power steering in my car, and getting pulled over just a mile from my house. That lovely day was followed with a week too little sleep and too little patience on the part of nearly the whole family along with head colds all around. Life can be a little rough around the edges here. Life with depression is just plain hard. Really hard.

But... I can do hard things.

The hard things can be just about anything. Sometimes it's pushing through a tough workout or running just one more mile when I want to quit. Other times, it's getting out of bed and making my kids' lunches for school in the morning. So often, it all just feels too gosh darn hard.

It's one of the reasons running is so important to me as a way to cope with depression. Running has proved to me over the past 18 months that I can do hard things. I ran my first 5K when I didn't know that I could. I ran a 10K when it seemed way too hard. I ran a half marathon which was really freaking hard. Since then, I've dug deep pushing myself to train better and run faster. It was hard, but I did it. It's always hard, but I do it over and over again.

That's what I have to remember when it's the getting out of bed that's hard or when it's the getting myself up off the bathroom floor where I sit in a ball crying that's hard. When it gets so hard that I can't imagine I'll ever get through it, when I wonder if I'll ever feel happy again, I try to remember and feel it in my gut that I can do hard things.

I've done all sorts of hard things in my life, and this surely will not be the last hard thing.

Tinker Bell Half Marathon Race Recap

2012-01-31T10:10:00.003-05:00

I don't even know where to start! The trip was a crazy, incredible whirlwind. Here's some #s to start it all off:

25: hours spent traveling
44: hours in California
5: flights taken and airports visited
2: people I met who "live in my computer"
100+: number of tweets, facebook comments, likes, and wall posting I got in support just the morning of the race! My friends and family are amazing!!!
3: times I ate Mexican (my husband is not a fan so I rarely get it!)
2: margaritas drank
13.35: miles ran
4:29: minutes PRed by
9: # of Disney rides I went on
18: hours on my feet on Sunday
3: minimum # of days it's going to take me to recover!

It was so great to meet Stacie! (Yep, I'd actually never met her before. We've been friends through a 'mommy message board' for years!) This was my first big race including an expo which was really cool. It was also my first time to Disneyland and California Adventure.

Race ResultsOffical time: 2:16:54. (average pace 10:27)
Place: 1563th out of 9,386 runners.
Times from my Garmin if you geek out on such things like I do:

We were up at 3am (wowsa!) to get ready as we had to be at the race area by 4:30am and in corrals by 5am. We laid out all our goodies the night before and Stacie made fun of my type-A-ness (mostly because it made her feel better about hers ;)).

Race clothes ready to go

Gear and breakfast ready to go

I had some coffee, oatmeal, and a banana when I woke up, and geared up. It was surprisingly warm that morning (which freaked me out a bit as I'm a cold weather runner), so we didn't really even need our throw away clothes but grabbed them anyway. I wrote my mantras on my hands and we were ready to go!

I can do hard things.

Push.

We were sparkling our way to the starting line.

Stacie.

The trip to the start was wonderfully uneventful. We made our way to Corral B, hit the potties, and got ready to wait. We were much farther back in Corral B than we should have been but once you got in there was very little shuffling for place so we just had to go with it. The National Anthem was sung with fireworks, Corral A headed out, and we were right behind them.

The first few miles were crazy packed which I expected, but add in all the fairy wings and costumes and it was nuts. I spent the entire time weaving in and out of people knowing I was adding all sorts of distance I shoudn't be running but also knew I needed to be going faster. Stacie and I bobbed in and out of the crowd trying to keep each other in sight. The route is mostly a blur to me. There was lots of back lots of Disney, running through the castle in Disney Land, out onto the streets of historic and scenic Anaheim (some of which was both and some of which was neither historic nor scenic - ha!), through Downtown Disney and into California Adventure (though not necessarily in that order). Around mile 3.5 or 4, Stacie and I parted ways to find our own paces.

I had my eye on a 10:30 goal pace despite it being a pretty big reach. So miles 3-6 were spent making up time that I spent weaving in the first mile or two. My Garmin was already showing an extra .15 miles so I knew I couldn't go by my average pace on there. Each mile marker, I'd check my Garmin overall time and do the math to see where my average pace was at. By mile 6, I knew I was at a 10:30 average and that I just had to hold on.

Mile 4.5. Photo courtesy of Team Sparkle

I took gels at miles 3, 7, and 11 which worked out great. I took water at every water station but did not walk through them, just grabbed a cup, a sip, tossed and kept dodging other folks. I was pushing pretty hard early on, but I just knew I had to hold on. Some of my favorite spots of the course were running the castle in Disneyland, seeing some of the characters (though often they were blocked by the lines of people to take pictures with them), and some of the cheerleaders and bands out in Anaheim. I felt pace noticeably quicken when I hit stretches with really high energy cheerleaders or bands. It was great! There was also an enormous group of Red Hat ladies somewhere along the way that were awesome! The stretch through Downtown Disney was really awesome packed with spectators.

By mile 10 I was hurting but holding on. I had some twinges in my right achilles and a weird ache in my mid-back which I think was from how I slept on the plane. I knew I was on target for a PR and that point it really just mattered by how much as long as I could hang on. Mentally I was fading. I talked myself into walking for 30 seconds at the 11 mile marker to take my last Gu. It was a waste of time, but I was doing what I could do to convince myself to keep pushing. From there I took off. As we weaved through California Adventure I was passing people left and right, but also breathing hard and grunting. Some people looked at me as I passed them like what is she doing?! and I wanted to tell them, it's a race! we're at the end! I'm running hard, duh!

I got to a point where I felt like I had no push left and just maintaining a 10 minute pace was hard enough. My Garmin was off on distance so I was trying to ignore it and just get to the finish. The finish was in a parking lot and we had turn into it with a very short but distinct uphill driveway at which point I cursed out loud because I did not have that fight in me. I kept going and crossed the finish with a new PR by 4 minutes and 29 seconds! I got my first ever mylar blanket, got my medal, and anxiously waited for Stacie who had a hard race but pushed through for an awesome time!

This was half marathon #3. My first was just 8.5 months ago. I've taken almost exactly 30 minutes off of my time in those 8.5 months!

Another photo courtesy of Team Sparkle

We bypassed most of the post-race festivities in a daze and hobbled back to our hotel. I took a quick ice bath and threw on my compression shorts and sock so we could hit the parks. I think limping my way through the parks all day was as much a test of my will power as the race was but we had a blast! I stumbled, literally, back to the hotel at 9pm and crashed. (warning gross foot picture coming up, but first a fun one!)

The latest action figure strangely dressed in cargo skirt, KT Tape, compression socks, and a race shirt! :)

My gross blistered foot because Stacie wanted photographic proof

I'm Going to Disneyland!

2012-01-27T20:41:00.000-05:00

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go... who can resist a little John Denver?

We'll be leaving for the airport at 4am. I'll be heading to Anaheim, CA by way of Denver. Once I land, it'll be a busy 45 hours in sunny California. My first ever race expo, my first time to Disneyland (been to the area but never in the Disneyland parks), my first time racing with wings, and my third half marathon!

I am so thankful for this trip to get to go run such a fun inaugural race with such an awesome person. I am grateful to all the people who supported me in taking this crazy trip with your words, actions, and/or gifts! I am excited about opportunities to pay it forward.

A few quick goals for this race. With my injury recovery and my marathon training, this is not a race I've focused on or trained for much. At the same time, this will be my first half marathon where I've ran farther than the distance before! Since my last half marathon in October, I've ran 14, 16, and 18 miles! Nonetheless, I am not expecting to PR. If the stars align and my wings help me fly, I won't turn it down. But instead I'm focusing on having a great time.

Goals:
Finish!
Have fun and enjoy Disney!
Cheer Stacie on to a great race!

I toyed with putting times down, but I honestly don't have time goals. I guess I hope to be faster than my first half (because that would be a pretty comfortable long run pace) but maybe not as fast as my second? Who knows! I'm just going to feel it out.

Why Run in a Costume

2012-01-25T16:29:00.000-05:00

I'm still pretty new to this whole running thing. Up until just a few months ago, I saw pictures of people running races in costumes and thought it was funny... and something I'd never do. When I registered for my first marathon (which is now just over 7 weeks away!), I decided I wanted to dress up since it's going to be St. Patty's Day. I'd heard that the more attention you can draw to yourself, the more crowd support you get. And, apparently, at 20-something miles that can help. Or maybe it's at like 15 miles, because by 20-something miles, nothing helps. Who knows.

At the same time, I'd be hearing about Team Sparkle skirts from lots of bloggers. I decided I was going rock my first marathon in a sparkly sequin covered skirt and ordered it! It arrived, and I feel in love. It's just so.. sparkly! I took it for its first run in December for a Jingle Jog, and then again on Christmas Eve, because if you're going to run on Christmas Eve, you should show some Christmas spirit!

In just a few days, I'll be running the inaugural Tinker Bell half marathon in Disneyland. When my race partner mentioned a costume, it didn't take long for me to get super excited. I'll be running in a silver Team Sparkle skirt with black wings. Yes, wings! I can't quite believe it either.

I know people think I'm a little nuts for this. I know people who think real runners don't wear costumes or sparkle skirts. I know people who just see this as a distraction from the sport. Well, I'm not sure what a real runner is, but I know some pretty fast people who run in costumes, people faster than I can imagine ever being.

Costumes and sparkles aren't for everyone, but this is why I'm running in costume.

*It's something I never thought I'd do. Overweight mom of 2 who can't find clothes in her closet for a night out struts her stuff in a sparkly skirt? While running a half marathon? Well, make that two things I never thought I'd be doing. Running has helped me re-define my limits and find some joy in my body, despite the extra belly I'm still carrying and the 25+ pounds I still need to lose.

*It's fun and light-hearted. When you get to training for races, it can be easy to take yourself too seriously. Costumes are my reality check that this is for fun, and if I'm not having fun, it's not worth doing.

*It adds to the race experience. Extra smiles. Extra cheers. I might never run the Tinker Bell half marathon again, so why not do it wearing wings? I've trained and I've earned the right to look silly and live it up. If you're going to do it, go all out.

Why yes, I can drive in wings. Heading out to a park for a test run!

I took my wings out for a test run today and they held up quite nicely (Thanks Kelly for the tips!). I had to wear a racer back tank top for best wing attachment. I don't wear tank tops. I'm not comfortable with my jiggly arms, and they are usually too tight around the midsection to be anywhere near flattering (this one is no exception). But I decided to suck it in up, and wear my wings, tank top, and belly proudly. After all, I grew and birthed two babies, I'm running my third half marathon, and I'm down 40lbs in the past two years, I have a lot to be proud of!

Why I Skip Church

2012-01-22T16:56:00.001-05:00

Today, our congregation held it's annual meeting. There was celebration of outreach and ministry coupled with hard conversations surrounding budget and declining attendance. It's not a unique story. In the Lutheran church and other churches, these conversations are happening often.

People asked, Why aren't people in church? Why did they stop coming? What do we need to do to get them back? The questions appeared throughout the meeting popping up in conversations about both budget (More people means more money, right? Not necessarily, but that's a different post) and program.

I can't answer these questions for anyone else, but I can answer two out of three of them in regards to myself because I am often not in church on a Sunday morning. When it comes to the budget conversation, my attendance matters little as our giving is debited from our checking account in order to ensure consistency as I am very aware that the church's costs do not change despite my bumpy attendance record.

I have lots of reasons to be in church on a Sunday morning, perhaps more than your average church-goer. First off, I am married to the pastor. Last week our neighbor skipped service only to come home to find my husband parked in her driveway. It was only because I was passing her house while out for a run and he needed to stop to ask me something. Nevertheless, there was a joke made about the guilt of her missing church only to find the pastor in her driveway. Well, the pastor is always in my driveway after church, and my house and even *gasp* my bed. It's important to our family to be a part of church. It's important for me to support my husband as a congregational leader and to be an active part of the community.

Second, I have my own seminary education that culminated in a Masters in Theology for Outdoor Ministry. I have worked as a camp director, a director of youth and family ministry, and currently serve as president for an outdoor ministry board of trustees. Church, community, and faith development are important to me. Raising children up in faith within the structure of a congregation is important to me. I think that adults, families, and children belong in church. I believe in the importance of corporate worship.

Despite the reasons I should be in church, I am often not. Sometimes it's because of a race I'm running; other times it's because my kids and I are out of town visiting friends or family. But sometimes, it's because I just can't handle it. I am the mother of two small children whose husband is busy during church being pastor. It's hard. It's really hard. It's exhausting and frustrating. Of all the things I do in a week, Sunday worship with my kids is possibly the hardest. It pushes me past the point of good parenting. I find myself feeding the kids snacks I'm not comfortable letting them eat in order to bribe them to sit or growling desperate demands for them to just sit still and listen. Worship brings out the worst in me while everyone watches... because I am, of course, the pastor's wife.

As we look at the church and attendance, I have to look at all those young families who are not at worship and say I get it. If someone as educated about and invested in faith formation and the church community myself struggles to get there, to survive it, and to want to do it again, I can imagine that the family without my background would give up pretty quickly. Something's gotta give. How we are doing church is not working in our culture and time, especially for young families.

Please don't tell me to put the kids in the nursery or to schedule worship during Sunday school, because for me that isn't the answer to solid faith formation and church revival. Worship is supposed to be about the Body of Christ gathering together to share in Word and Sacrament, not simply those in the Body of Christ over the age of eight who are willing to sit and do worship the way we've always done it.

Of course there's another piece of the Sunday morning struggle for me. On top of being a pastor's wife and a mom of two small kids doing the best she can to raise them up in faith, I live with, fight with, and attempt to survive depression and anxiety. Some weeks I simply can't face church. I can't face the struggle with the kids. I can't face the chit chat and the pretending-to-be-fine when inside I'm in so much pain I just want to crouch in a corner and sob. I can't face the numbness, going through the motions of worship without feeling a damn thing, wondering if I'll ever feel again. As someone whose faith has always been an integral part of her life, through both ups and downs, it is terrifying to sit in church and feel a complete and total disconnect between myself and God.

And that's why I'm not in church every Sunday. It's not because I don't want to be there. It's because it's just too hard sometimes. I want church to be a healing place, a place where I feel accepted, supported, and safe. I want worship to be somewhere that I show up for the good and the bad, because I know worship isn't just about me and my needs or even those of my kids, but for right now I just can't do it. That's my story. I'm sure everyone's story is a little different, but as a church, we need to find a way to listen to those stories and figure out how we can be the church together despite our brokenness. I don't know how we do it, but I'm thankful for a God who accepts us in all our brokenness, even when we can't do church. I am thankful for a God who I'm sure is still out there even if I can't find that God these days.

Edited to add - this is not about my church, my congregation. This about the larger Church and the way we do Church, combined with what it means to live as both a pastor's wife, a mom of 2 young children, and someone fighting depression. Our congregation is filled with loving, faith-filled people excited to serve the community and support each other. I am thankful for that. But, it doesn't change everything written above.

18 Miles Towards Mental Toughness

2012-01-18T10:55:00.001-05:00

On Monday, I had my first 18 mile training run scheduled. On Monday morning at 7am when I needed to start in order to be done in time to go to physical therapy, it was 9 degrees. I refused to let that stop me.

The night before, I prepped all my stuff, loaded (or thought we did) two e-books onto my phone plus my music so that I could switch things up a bit to get me through, got my recovery stuff ready and went to bed nice and early. I slept in bed with my 5 year old so that my almost 3 year old wouldn't keep me awake all night begging to nurse (he's supposedly night weaned, he just doesn't agree). (Yes, we bedshare and practice child-led weaning. If that bothers you, ignore it and move on.)

Instead, my 5 year old kept me up most of the night as he asked about every 10 minutes if he could go into Mema's room to play as that was the plan in the morning so I could get out the door. After a night of no sleep, I grabbed my phone to check my playlists that my husband had finished the night before. Blank. Sigh. We tried a couple of things to fix it and finally gave up. I was stuck with my shorter long run playlist that I'd just have to repeat. Still holding it together, I ate my egg and toast and got ready to head out the door.

Husband trying to take pics of me with reflective gear and flash - tricky.

Ready to go.

My husband was my crew. He was amazing. He planned on meeting me twice to refill my water because I have a small handheld and wasn't sure how much I would need. Then he would pick me up at the end point. Plus, he was my camera man. Two miles in, my legs were burning and I realized I needed another layer on my legs. I called him and he met me with a pair of fleece pants to throw over my thick running tights. My eyelashes were covered in mini-icicles. I kept having to brush them off in order to fully open my eyes as they were freezing shut. I was fighting off an asthma attack and tears. He took one look at me and said, "Don't cry!! Your face will freeze!"


Covered in ice.

I wanted to give up. I wanted to cry. I had no idea how I was going to cover 16 more miles. But I kept going. My legs felt like bricks. I was weighed down by layers and layers of gear. My lungs couldn't decide whether they were going to revolt against the cold or cooperate. Within a couple of miles, I was taking a short walk break every mile or so. I saw my husband again around mile 7. My fuel gels were literally frozen. I had to take hard bites out of them if I didn't remember to warm them in my hands ahead of time. My water bottle spout had frozen shut.I had to take off the lid each time to drink my partially frozen Nuun. Again, I wanted to beg him to take me home. He just told me to keep going.

I began to think over and over again with every step, "I can't." The voice in my head was relentless. You can't even run a whole mile at this point. Why did you ever think you could run a marathon? You are so stupid. Just give up now. You can't count this as running. I watched as my average pace on the Garmin crept towards 13 minute miles. I plodded along. I realized that if I kept saying I can't then I wouldn't. I tried to stop the voice inside my head. Each time I heard I can't, I responded I can do hard things. I am strong. It became my mantra. (I thought of you, Ann.) I fought hard. The voice continued. You can't do this Jamie. You can't. I can do hard things. I am strong. Just give up. This is dumb. You are failing. I can do hard things. I am strong.

Somewhere in mile 12, I broke down. The running wasn't getting easier. My walk breaks were more frequent. I couldn't imagine going one more step. I stopped on the side of the road and sobbed. I called my husband knowing that crying as hard as I was, he would let me accept defeat. He didn't answer. I called my friend/unpaidandoverused running coach to beg her to let me quit. She didn't answer. I looked at my Garmin. My average pace was 12:58 minutes per mile. I had a quarter mile to go before I hit 13. Then there would only be 5 miles left. If I decreased walk breaks and just kept running, I could keep it under 13 minute miles which had become a mental goal for me. My long runs are usually 11:30-12 minute miles for reference.

Mist rising out of the valley as the temps rose from 9 degrees to a balmy (ha) 16 when I finished

And so I kept going. My husband came back one extra time before I finished to see me as it was taking me longer than we'd planned, and he wanted to make sure I had enough fuel. I didn't stop. I was mid-hill and focused. I was going to climb that hill. I just kept saying it. Climb the hill. Climb the hill. Less than two miles to go, and I knew I was going to finish. The hills were relentless (the beautiful area I live in is not flat). But I did it. I finished in 3 hours and 50 minutes. My average pace was 12:49, just 4 seconds slower than my average pace for my first half marathon. My mile splits were all over the place, but I finished.

Finishing as strong as I could

When I was done, I didn't feel joy. I didn't feel accomplishment. I wanted to say all sorts of things to myself. What were you thinking? You can't run 18 miles. That was pathetic. How in the world are you going to run 26.2? This is proof you should just give up. You've lost too much time. You've screwed up your training. You're done.

But I kept fighting. I focused on recovery. Eating. An ice bath. Getting myself to physical therapy. I avoided judging until I had time to process things. No, it was not my best run. Yes, it was slower than my desired long run pace. Yes, I took walk breaks which were not something I planned to do, and not just a few.

Done. My husband told me to smile for the camera. This was all I could do.

But, I have to keep things in perspective. It was 9 degrees, the coldest temperatures in which I've attempted to run. We've had a warm winter so I've actually only had a handful of 20 degree runs. My body is not used to it. I was wearing lots of layers I am not used to. It was hilly, really hilly. My 16 mile run was down on a pancake flat treadmill. I had been avoiding hills for the sake of my injury and just began to work them back in. Oh yea, and I am running while trying to recover from an injury. I have missed a lot of training, and a lot of mid-week runs that help maintain the fitness to make the long runs easier. I did a long run progression of 12, 14, 16, and 18 with no step-back weeks. I knew it was a little crazy to plan that and honestly never though I could pull it off, but I wanted to be able to taper a little for the Tinker Bell half marathon while still fitting in two 20 mile runs (or a 20 and a 22) before the marathon. And I was mentally fighting a breakdown before I even got out the door with no sleep and a screwed up playlist.

Those things don't excuse my performance. They don't excuse my lack of training. I know I'm not in the place I wanted to be. But I did a 18 miler. I focused on mental toughness and pushed my through the absolute worst run of my life, and I refused to give up. I might not have been smiling Paula, but I just kept moving. For that I am proud.

Sacrifice and Focus on the Road to a Marathon

2012-01-13T18:04:00.001-05:00

Today I was reading a post from Miss Zippy and was struck by her comment about getting into her marathon training plan. She wrote:

...As I enter legit marathon miles this weekend, I’m also putting my monk robes back on. Time to really buckle down with early bedtimes, fewer glasses of wine, and really dedicated eating. Tradeoffs? Yes. Worth it? YES!

Why did it strike me? Not because it's earth-shattering or new to me. It's because it's what you do to train for a marathon. It's what my reality needs to be right now, and to be honest, it's not. Getting injured really made my focus wane. It didn't feel like I was training for a marathon when I was taking weeks off and missing workouts. Since it didn't feel like I was training a marathon, I never started fully acting like I was training for a marathon.

Via Pinterest

Well guess what? Just 9 weeks from tomorrow I'll be running my first marathon, God willing. And just 2 weeks from Sunday, I'll be running the Tinker Bell half marathon. This is it. If I don't get serious now and start acting like marathoner, there's no way I'm going to be able to become one.

What does that mean? Early bedtimes. Aim for 9:30 with no pushing past 10pm. Focused and careful eating and fueling. I don't have room for junk in my diet. I need to be fueled to train, while not filling my body with extra junk because I'm extra hungry. Proper hydration = lots of water and a very rare adult beverage. Getting my in strength training sessions, runs, and yoga classes with absolutely no excuses. It's time to make it happen. If that means I need to make it a habit of getting up at 5am to hit 6am yoga twice a week so I don't miss it, that's what it means. Foam rolling, stretching, and doing my physical therapy exercises every single day.

Via Pinterest

Surrender isn't an option - not now, and not at mile 22 on March 17. At this point, I only have 9 weeks to go. I'm under trained, but I have 9 weeks to make a big difference. This is my priority. Everything else needs to take a back seat. This was my choice, my goal, and it's up to me to make it happen.

26.2, I'm still coming for you.

Links I love

2012-01-12T20:35:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I posted some links I was loving, but here's some of the stuff I've been loving lately.

A few from the Bloggess who is usually laugh-until-you-pee funny but also fights depression. Her writing is brave and inspiring. Her outlook makes me feel like I'm not alone while reminding me of how I want to fight. Tightrope walker and The Fight Goes On and Wow.

2011 Lesson #2: Don't Carpe Diem from the Momastery. This is the first I'd seen this blog, but the post was shared on facebook by a friend and I love it. I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't enjoy the "enjoy every moment of parenting" advice people like to give, but I am so thankful for those kairos moments described. Plus with posts like this, I will be definitely be a regular reader! I laughed so hard I nearly woke up the boy I was cuddling to sleep.

Say hi to a good friend of mine on her new blog RiantRunner and her first post Welcome to 2012 - The Year to Listen and Manifest. She's a runner and coach, starting her yoga certification, and halfway through school to become a health counselor. I look forward to reading more from her!

Finally I love everything from Another Mother Runner, but I especially loved all of their Why I Run series from December. Each post resonated with me in a different way, reminding me how much I love to run and why I do it!

Longest Training Run & 2012 Race Schedule

2012-01-09T22:39:00.000-05:00

Today, I did my longest run ever. (well for the time being). 16 whole miles! I did it on a treadmill at the YMCA because I knew it would be more forgiving to my feet (I start Physical Therapy tomorrow - yay). 16 miles on a treadmill is, well, I don't recommend it. But I took my gels, drank my nuun, listened to my music, and just kept going. It took me 3 hours 15 minutes (including the time where I had to stop to reset the treadmill because it automatically stops at an hour, and the one time I had to refill my water at the water fountain). Moving time was 3 hours 9 minutes (avg pace 11:48). And get this, my heart rate averaged 176 and I burnt 2,287 calories! That's crazy. And it's even crazier that I have to add 10.2 miles to that, but one run at a time. For now, I took my ice bath and am rocking my compression socks and shorts!

I think I've got my race schedule figured out. This is by no means set in stone. The races with an asterisk are ones I've already registered for.

January 29 - Tinker Bell Half Marathon*
Totally a surprise and so exciting!

March 17- Rock 'N' Roll USA Nation's Capital Marathon*
The big one. My first marathon.

May 6 - Philly's Broadstreet Run - 10 mile
My first 10 miler.

May 19 - NJ/Philly RunAmuck Mud Run - 5K*
After dong the NY RunAmuck Mud Run last June, I'm excited to do another with my partner from last time along with my sister and her friend!

September 3 - Warwick Lions 5K
This will be my third time running this race! I'm hoping a summer of track workouts with the running club will bring me to a PR for this.

September 30 - Ocean City, NJ Half Marathon
This was such a great race that I am excited to run it again!

November 4 - Run the Bridge 10K
This will my third time running this race, and my sister has made it a goal to make this her first 10K! Fun race!

November 18 - Philadelphia Half Marathon
My sister has committed to running a half marathon this year! So exciting. I will be running this one by her side.

I'm guessing I'll throw in another 5k at some point, but otherwise I'm pretty happy with this! Here's to 2012!

Feelings should be felt, not eaten.

2012-01-07T09:28:00.000-05:00

It's been a bumpy week here. We were transitioning back from the holidays and my older son's 5th birthday. The kids have been trying their hardest to come down from their overstimulated, over-sugared state but are still struggling with bad sleep and bad moods. At the same time, we decided to ditch the diapers with my younger son who will be 3 in March. What was I thinking?

Meanwhile, I've been both excited and overwhelmed by the upcoming Tinker Bell half marathon especially while battling a fierce case of plantar fasciitis which has been at its worst this week. I have an annual meeting and January board meeting to prepare for the non-profit board I serve as President. And finally, I've been feeling my depression creeping up since the weekend pushing me a little more each day into a down of the ups and downs I go through. It will probably only last a couple of days, but it's here and I am fighting. This time though I am not fighting to escape the feeling, but I am fighting to actually feel it.

Each morning, I've woke from a broken night of sleep after denying the toddler wanting to nurse for the umpteenth time to two little boys being rough, loud, and demanding. As I drag myself from my bed to go downstairs I start to dream of what's downstairs to eat. I think there are some left over cookies. Or maybe there's some pie. Or I could make pancakes. Stop, Jamie. You don't need junk. It won't help. Get your coffee and a healthy breakfast and move on.

I get the boys ready and to school, and I come home to a quiet house for 90 minutes of precious solitude. No one's here. It's been a rough morning; I deserve a snack, a treat. It'll help get you through the day. No, Jamie. It won't help you get through the day. It'll start you on a downward spiral. Make your smoothie and get in your strength workout without kids crawling on you. That will help you get through the day.

I go work lunchtime at school. Fifteen preschoolers demanding this and that, herding them from the bathroom to lunch to nap. It feels chaotic. I am overstimulated. I do the dishes and clean up before getting my own boys from their classes and heading home. I feel as though I am dragging them across the parking lot, backpacks, lunchboxes, folders, and jackets all balanced precariously in my arms. I get home. Put one to sleep and set the other up for quiet time. Sigh. Oh Jamie, now you definitely deserve a snack. Find something yummy. Maybe there is some pasta and you could a huge bowl. Whatever leftovers are there. Whatever it is, a lot of it will help you unwind. You get the idea. It continues after a stressful bedtime as I'm convinced I need a bedtime snack to make the day feel better.

All day long, I find myself literally dreaming of food. I feel overstimulated. I feel tired. I feel stressed. I feel frustrated. Whatever it is I feel, I want food to make me stop feeling it. If I can focus on getting food into my mouth, I will momentarily avoid feeling whatever it is I'm feeling. When my belly is uncomfortably full, I can turn my focus to beating myself up instead of feeling whatever there is to feel.

I am an emotional and stress eater. It's not news. It's something I've always lived with, but as I pay more attention to how I fuel my body for my running and my health, I am becoming increasingly aware. This week, I have fought it. I have sat with my feelings instead of eating them. Instead of just distracting myself from what I want to eat as I might have before, I am figuring out why I want to eat it first. I've indulged in a treat or two, but I have thought about what I was eating and why before doing it. It would be so easy to take my stress, my depression, and my injury, and just keep eating to stop feeling any of it turning the 2 pounds I gained from Halloween to New Year's into 10. It's not about the number on the scale. It's about how much worse I would feel physically and emotionally. It's about the way I would beat myself up for doing that. It's about the fact that I wouldn't be any further along on my journey. So instead, I will fight it. I will feel my feelings all while offering myself grace and love instead of shame.

Tinker Bell and Paying It Forward

2012-01-04T10:17:00.000-05:00

First off, we're going to ignore the fact that I am limping today from the dang plantar fasciitis, but I do have an orthopedist appointment on Thursday. So for a moment, let's pretend I am healthy and on track for marathon training so it's totally okay that I just added a last minute half marathon!

Yep, that's right, I am running a half marathon on January 29. Not just any half marathon. The Tinker Bell half marathon in Disneyland! As of Monday, I have a plane ticket and it is a sure thing. Crazy!

It all started when a friend who is running it posted how she was going to be by herself unexpectedly as her running partner had just had surgery. I joked, "well if there's a bib for sale, I'll check plane flights." One thing led to another. I did end up checking flights, doing the math on cost, and realizing there's no way I could spend that for a last minute weekend trip to Disneyland by myself. But then something happened...

My friend who is running the race offered to cover the hotel room since she has to pay for it whether I can come or not. Another friend hooked me up with some frequent flier miles and a travel voucher which brought my flight cost under $100. I did something I've never done in my life and called my dad asking if I could trade some Christmas presents (as we aren't exchanging gifts until later this month) for cash for my trip. He offered $100 and told me I could keep my presents. (This may seem like no big deal to a lot of families, but I've not asked my father for money since I was 15.) I had comments on my Facebook status tell me they were trying to figure out how they could have helped. Someone offered $20 up for the cause. I got a message from another friend asking simply how much are we talking as I try to figure out how to cover the rest of the expenses. Amazing.

But here's the thing. It all made me sick to my stomach. How selfish of me. I brushed off a number of those offers. How could I even think about putting money towards this trip to fly across the country and run a race when I don't have an income of my own (I am a full-time mom) and there are plenty of other things my family could do if we had that money? How could all these people be offering up money or resources for me to be so selfish? As I told the last friend who messaged me, there are hungry children and homeless people. I am a completely unworthy cause.

But my friends don't think I'm unworthy. They want to make this happen for me. And when in my life did I ever think I could run a half marathon on 4 weeks notice? I've worked to be where I am today. Friends who have offered assistance have given all sorts of reason from simply the fact that they can and would like to help to gratitude for the ways I have offered myself to them in time, in relationship, and in resource. They don't owe me that. They don't owe me anything. But they want to help. They want this for me. So I'm going to go out on a limb and accept that help.

I'd feel better about the whole thing if I was raising money for some cause, but I am flying to California to support a friend in her dream race. Yes, I get to run it and have a blast with her, but this is all about her. She inspires me (did I mention she's a rockin' triathlete? This will be her first distance race in years though). This is all about her. And while I can't give all the funds to a charity, I can pay it forward. I can welcome the generosity, love, and support of friends and family, and I can offer the same to others in unexpected and meaningful ways.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm flying to Disneyland (after I somehow come up with the rest of the resources necessary, but it will happen) to cheer on a friend, keeping up with her as long as I can as she kicks this race's butt, and then I'm going to pay it forward. I don't know how I'll pay it forward yet, but I have no doubt that opportunities with arise. And I look forward to giving others this gift.

2011 Blog Recap

2011-12-30T20:31:00.000-05:00

Just for fun...

Most popular posts of 2011 (starting with most page hits)

1. Children and Woodland Creatures at Church
2. So it's not about the air conditioning...
3. Depression Series: Postpartum Depression
4. Spank Out Day USA
5. It's not easy, but I know it's right

My favorite posts of 2011 (in no particular order)

1. Depression Series: Finding Light
2. The Running Community
3. Time for a time in, not a time out
4. I will not be afraid.
5. the planet robot and all eleven miles

Happy New Year!

2012.

2011-12-29T10:29:00.000-05:00

New Year resolutions get a bad rap. I hear all the time about how people don't like them, refuse to make them, and scoff at people who do. (Of course, some people are much more nonchalant and less judgy about it all and I appreciate that.) Here's the thing I like New Year's resolutions. I said it last year, and I'll say it again. I like them. As I read blog post after blog post about why resolutions are ridiculous and why people should not bother setting them once again, I see a few common problems.

1. People setting the same resolution year after year but never achieving it. This is usually the result of bad resolutions as described in #2 and #3.
2. Resolutions that are too big, too vague, too immeasurable, unattainable, and so on.
3. Setting resolutions that are based on shoulds and not on wants. Sure, maybe your doctor and/or society syas you should lose twenty pounds. But unless you want it at the core of your being, you're not going to do the work to make it happen.
4. Seeing New Year's resolutions as trivial when you focus on living out your goals every day.

For me, New Year's resolutions are not so much resolutions. They are simply my goals for the coming year. It is healthy, wise, and effective to regularly evaluate your progress and set both short-term and long-term goals. New Year's is one of the time I check in on those goals. It comes every year. It's dependable and has built-in societal reminders even if my take on the whole resolution thing is a little different. In looking at these goals, I work to make sure they are SMART goals - specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely. Finally, these are goals that mean something to me. They fit within my bigger vision for my life and are things that help propel me meaningfully on my journey. They are things to which I have a visceral reaction. I want these things with my heart, mind, body and soul.

With that, I've done one of my favoite things and created a board on pinterest for my 2011 goals. I like having a visual reminder as well as being able to look at them aside my Vision board on pinterest to see the bigger picture. For the most part, my annual goals are specific tools in helping me achieve the vision I have set forth for myself. With that, here are my 2011 goals.

Pinterest 2012 Goal Board

Run a marathon.
Run 600 miles.
Read 12 books.
Attend 35 yoga classes.
Hike 5 new places this year.
Organize the basement and the garage.
Tithe.

These all fit into my larger goals for healthy living, personal growth, living intentionally, and simplifying our life. A few more goals might pop up along the way, but this is a good place to start my year.

I hope you are excited for the year to come! Are you setting some goals?

Merry Christmas to Me!

2011-12-26T09:43:00.000-05:00

I hope you had a Merry Christmas! We did. The kids and adults all had an exciting day filled with fun, family, and presents! I had a runner's Christmas, and I was spoiled!

Zoot Sports ULTRA CompressRx Recovery Socks

REI Airflyte Running Tights

Amphipod Reflective Xinglet Vest

Self Defense Spray

Hammer Nutrition Tissue Rejuvenator

LED running hat (like the one linked except it has ear flaps to keep me warm!)

The Stick - self massaging tool

Green shoe laces for my marathon outfit!

KT Tape

Lots of fuel - Clifshots, Clif Shotbloks, Gu, Gu Chomps, Go Roctane

iTunes gift card for loading my race playlists

And a ball for rolling my plantar fasciitis

Now it's time to try that 10-12 miles from the other day again and use some of my gifts!

12 Weeks of Marathon Training

2011-12-24T09:25:00.000-05:00

It's Christmas Eve. I should be writing about the 12 Days of Christmas,but instead I've got running on the brain. You're shocked, right?

Twelve weeks from today is the Rock 'n' Roll D.C. Marathon.

Rock 'n' Roll set the course time limit. Most Rock 'n' Roll marathons have a 7 hour time limit (exceptions being Las Vegas which was a crazy 4.5 hours and Denver which is 6). Washington D.C.'s course limit will be 5.5 hours. This shouldn't be a problem. If I'm going to finish, that pace is not crazy fast or anything like that. But, I know during my first marathon anything could happen. My hope is to cross the finish, period. Now suddenly, I have a time goal/limit before me. I know it's not an exact thing as it is 5.5 hours from when the last participant crosses the starting line which adds some cushion, but it's freaking me out.

At the same time, my running guru, support, and friend is sidelined with an injury since her completion of the Philly Marathon in November. She was planning and registered to run this with me, but it's just not likely. I'm rooting for her to get healthy as soon as possible, but I won't let her (and I think she wisely wouldn't try to) chance re-injury by rushing to run a marathon (no matter how slowly) so soon.

Add to all this the fact that my training has been less than stellar as a result of plantar fasciitis and growing frustration and I am about to completely freak out.

Instead of freaking out, I'm trying to find my focus. I never did follow up my plantar fasciitis post with my training update because I never figured it out. Fail.

This morning I hoped to run 10-12 but ended up with 5 before pain made me stop. But, I looked cute doing it!

I was going to write more, but I need to go stretch, foam roll, ice and get ready for CHRISTMAS! But plantar fasciitis or not, it's ON when it comes to training. Thinking I'll get a few miles in tomorrow, maybe even 8 or so! And maybe, I'll have some new gear from Santa to try out :) Merry Christmas!

Christmas Critical Mass

2011-12-23T09:06:00.000-05:00

There is a couple we're friends with who also have two young children, a bit younger than ours. When we're hanging out and the kids have reached that point where they have used all their patience reserves, are getting tired or hungry, and have simply reached that point of no return where you know meltdowns are inevitable and unstoppable, they like say that we've reached "critical mass". Yes, he teaches science.

Well, this morning it is clear to me that we're at Christmas critical mass. Everyone is exhausted.
Christmas is the culmination of a stressful although joyful Advent season for my pastor husband who has logged more hours this year than even usual as a result of some unfortunate happenings at our church - funerals and illness. I've been working to do all the gift acquisition and preparation, engage the children in meaningful Advent activities, and attempt to continue marathon training and injury rehab. And, oh yea, we had chicken pox here. That brings me to the kids. The kids, like any other, are absolutely almost literally bursting with excitement on top of it all.

My very sensitive and intuitive son is soaking in all of the excitement, stress, and anticipation. His body is literally tingling with it all. He can't wait for Christmas but he doesn't know what to do with it all. My toddler simply doesn't understand why he can't eat all of the cookies and open all the presents he knows are in the house. He doesn't care whether the house is clean or the elaborate dinner is cooked. He just wants to be able to participate in the celebration now. Enough waiting. Enough preparation.

There is much to be done today, but just as Advent does not depend on me (thank you God!), Christmas does not depend on the perfectly cleaned home, perfectly prepared food, or perfectly orchestrated holiday experience. It's not going to be perfect. Some of it may not be done. We're going to focus on the essentials and at the top of that list has to be being with my kids and helping them through the waiting instead of asking them to wait more so that we can get the to do list done.

Today, regardless of what is done or not done (and believe there is much that is not done), we're dropping the to do lists and going hiking with a friend. We're going outside to get some fresh air and enjoy God's creation. We need a break from the presents, the wrapping, the cookies, and the decorations. We need a break from everything that so wonderful builds our anticipation as we wait for our Savior to be born. We need to go be with what God has made in the here and now together as a family with nothing else to do.

Ornaments

2011-12-22T08:42:00.000-05:00

I know everyone has their own style of tree. I stay pretty true to what we had growing up. A Douglas Fir, as large as we can fit in the house (and every place I've lived has scratch marks on the ceiling where the tree goes to prove it). It has to be too large to fit a star or an angel on top. My mom always said, "it has to hug the ceiling." Then it's strung with big colored lights and covered in ornaments filled with memories. There are no plain balls or filled ornaments. We might have used some in the beginning, but it was a point of joy when we saw that our tree was filled without them. Growing up, we finished the tree with tinsel, just a little to add some sparkle. I add tinsel on the years that it strikes me.

I am awful at taking Christmas tree pictures.

This year our tree is a good bit smaller than we'd prefer, but the pickings were slim at the tree farm after a year of crazy rain. And it's a non-tinsel year. But, it is still filled with ornaments that we've collected over the years. Every ornament has a story. Stories of loved ones, places, and joys. Here are some of my favorites.

From my years as a dancer who loved pointe

The first ornament that my older son made me at school

Made for me and the rest of my family by a dear friend

From one of my first Christmases

On my husband and I's first vacation we snowbiled through Yellowstone


My favorite family ornament to date: all of us in our family bed where we still sleep most of the time

Our trip to Disney where I discovered I was pregnant with our first

Our family of three joyfully expecting our second child

My new ornament for this year - I ran not one but two half marathons for the first time this year!

A shared love of the outdoors and the water

The camp where my husband and I met and were married and where we are still actively involved


And our newest family ornament. This is our first ornament that features "Mema" on it as she moved in with us in June! Welcome to the Christmas tree Mema!

So that's a bit of a random selection of our ornaments. I love that our tree is such a celebration of blessings in our life! Do you have a Christmas tree? What are your traditions?

Eating Our Way Through Christmas

2011-12-18T07:00:00.000-05:00

I don't know about your family, but we love holidays as a reason to make really delicious food! Here's my plan for Christmas morning and Christmas dinner. I'm going to leave Christmas Eve up to my mom (hear that, mom?) and Christmas Day appetizers to my sister (hear that, sis?). In the meantime, we've got breakfast, dinner and dessert covered.

Breakfast:
Pioneer Woman's Cinnamon Baked French Toast
Pioneer Woman's Sleepin' In Omelette (this one is a favorite around here for special occasions)

This super fun fruit Christmas tree from Ginger & Garlic (found via pinterest)

Source: ginger-and-garlic.blogspot.com via Jamie on Pinterest

Dinner:
Alton Brown's City Ham
Pioneer Woman's Brussel Sprouts with Balsamic and Cranberries
Holiday Bread
Loaded Mashed Potato Casserole

Basic Green Salad with some homemade dressings

Dessert:
Pioneer Woman's pots de creme
Chocolate Mousse (because I'm not feeding the kids pots de creme full of coffee)

And of course, lots of good red wine. Reminder to me to hit the winery this coming week!

I made a pinboard with all these links included so enjoy!

What are you cooking (or eating) this holiday?

Chicken Pox

2011-12-17T09:42:00.000-05:00

It's been a chicken pox filled week for us! We were aware the boys had been exposed right after Thanksgiving, and so we were on the look out. For the record, no they did not receive the varicella (chicken pox) vaccine. Yes, we were glad they were exposed to chicken pox naturally because we prefer it to receiving the vaccine. It seems to be going around our area as we had friends that exposed my kids to it, and I just recently heard of a vaccinated child nearby that we had no contact with who just got it.

Anyway, last weekend they started to seem out of sorts. By dinner, they were both lethargic. My 4 year old was saying his stomach hurt while the 2 year old was saying he had a headache. Neither ate dinner. We knew something was up. I checked all my books with natural and homeopathic remedies that night to prepare myself. Sure enough, they had spots in the morning.

We had some very rough days with itching, crying, and absolutely no sleeping. But we also did a lot to help through it as best as we could. Here are some things that helped us along the way. I am not a doctor or medical professional and this is no way constitutes medical advice.

To boost their immune system:
Vitamin C
Echinacea and Astragalus
Zinc
Probiotcs
Eldeberry Syrup (naturally antiviral particularly in regards to the herpes family of which chicken pox is a part)

To help the itching and their skin:
Calendula cream with lavendar oil mixed in
Green Salve from Motherlove
Oatmeal baths (made with just plain old rolled oats thrown into a sock with some lavendar)
We did end up taping mittens on one child one night when he couldn't stop scratching but otherwise we did pretty well.

Homeopathy:
Rhus Tox is the standard chicken pox remedy. We started with that for both children but ended up switching one to Ant Tart which is characterized by a rattly cough with chicken pox. Additionally, we used chamomilla and pulsatilla for my other son who regularly responds well to those remedies. Pulsatilla is indicated in some chicken pox cases, while chamomilla is used for irritability and oversensitivity. Finally, we were aslo able to give them the chicken pox nosode, Variolinum, when a friend gave us their vial of it later in the week.

It was a challenging and exhausting week, but the boys are on the upswing. Another day or so and I will be 100% sure they are not contagious. For now, they are in that 'feeling a little better and have all this energy to burn but have no patience because I'm still exhausted from trying to heal' stage. It's pretty awful. But they'll be back to school this week and healthy in time for Christmas!

The Plague of Plantar Fasciitis

2011-12-15T13:51:00.000-05:00

I've been in pain from plantar fasciitis for about 4 weeks now.

From Runner's World.com

Drastic or sudden increases in mileage, poor foot structure, and inappropriate running shoes can overload the plantar fascia, the connective tissue that runs from the heel to the base of the toes. It may look like a series of fat rubber bands, but the plantar fascia is made of collagen, a rigid protein that's not very stretchy. The stress of overuse, overpronation, or overused shoes can rip tiny tears in it, causing pain and inflammation, a.k.a. plantar fasciitis.

There are lots of risk factors - doing too much too fast, improper shoes, faulty foot mechanics, etc. I know what was the main cause of mine, and I am kicking myself for it. I got new shoes after my half marathon in October. I tried a few different shoes and ended up with the same pair I'd been wearing in a half size larger. For some reason when I got those new shoes, I decided I didn't need to wear the over-the-counter orthotics I had been using on the recommendation of my Foot and Ankle Doctor. Why??? I have no idea. I noticed my feet were cramping on my runs, and I was having my soreness. Suddenly, a little soreness grew into a lot of pain.

What am I doing to fix it? I've spent the past few weeks learning everything I possibly can about plantar fasciitis. I took an entire week off from running and am altering my schedule moving forward. After lots of reading, this is what else I am doing to facilitate healing.

Yes, my foam roller is pink. Yes, my son fights me for it.

1. Stretching and Strengthening
Stretch, stretch, stretch. I am stretching my feet, my calves, and my whole leg in every way imaginable. Me and the foam roller are pretty tight. There are a myriad of stretches that can be found in some of the resources at the end of this post. I am also slowly strengthening my feet, ankles, and calves while trying not to irritate them further. Here are some helpful stretches.

2. Massage
I am doing manual massage as well as rolling my foot on everything from a tennis or golf ball to a frozen water bottle. Sometimes I even just grab a toy ball from my kids' playroom. I need to do this pretty much constantly. I need to set an alarm on my phone. This helps break up the tissue and release the muscles.

I wish that was the ice bucket that greeted me after runs.

3. Ice
After each run, I am putting my feet in a ice bath for 15 minutes. Additionally, I am aiming to ice my feet on ice packs for 15 minutes at a time up to 10 times daily. Again, I need to start setting an alarm on my phone to help with this.

4. Rest
I am trying to avoid standing unneccesarily for long periods of time, but I also have to avoid sitting for long periods of time unless I am wearing a splint (see below). I am wearing supportive shoes most of my waking hours, even around the house which drives me a little nuts. I am a barefoot girl.

looks comfy, right?

5. Night Splints
Pain is worst in the morning because the foot tightens up overnight. I am using the Strassburg Sock for at least part of the night to keep my foot stretched and prevent the tightening. It makes my big toe go numb and even bruises it so it's really annoying, but I try to use it as often as I can.

6. Orthotics, heel cups, and Kinesio Tape.
I am wearing the orthotics originally recommended to me again. I am also looking at getting a set of heel cups designed for plantar fasciitis but have not figured out which ones yet. I'm also using KT Tape on my runs.

7. Nutritional Supplements
I am making sure I get sufficient Vitamin C, Zinc, and Fish Oil to help my body having the nutrients it needs to heal. I am also hoping Santa will bring me some of this Tissue Rejuvenator in my stocking!

Resources:
Plantar Fasciitis Resources at Runner's World.com
Plantar Fasciitis Treatment
Plantar Fasciitis
Heel Pain and Plantar Fasciitis

Next up: Marathon Training Plan Take 2!

The Injured Runner Blues

2011-12-12T16:27:00.000-05:00

Remember this beautiful training journal I dorkily (yea, I know it's not a word) made myself?

I want to throw it out the window. Why? Because plantar fasciitis has royally screwed up my plans. After training for just two weeks, I had to take an entire week off because of the dang plantar faciitis. If that wasn't bad enough, two weeks later I still haven't gotten back on track.

Today marks the start of my 6th week of training. By today I should have ran 113 miles. Instead I've ran 71.28. As of today I should have logged 4 long runs ranging from 8 to 11 miles. Instead I've only done 2 long runs ranging from 8 to 9 miles.

I've been doing really well not completely freaking about this, but I'm beginning to freak out. The plantar fasciitis isn't getting better. I'm not logging the miles I need to log. The marathon is getting closer every single day. I'm losing motivation, patience, and mental stability by the minute.

But I can't freak out. Freaking out doesn't accomplish anything. Flexibility is key. Listening to my body is key (which I proudly although miserably did yesterday when I cut a 10 mile run short at 1 painful mile). I must adapt. Time for a new plan!

First off, I will celebrate my successes from the past 5 weeks:

Ready to Jingle Jog

I've ran 71.28 miles in 5 weeks. These are far from the lowest mileage weeks of my running life. In fact, in the 12 weeks leading up to my very first half marathon I only ran 112 miles total (no wonder I nearly died, but that's besides the point).
Despite running a lot less than planned and holiday ~~drinking and~~ eating, I have not gained weight in the last 5 weeks. I've actually lost 2lbs. I'm not expecting to lose weight while marathon training but not gaining while injured is a good thing.
I've gone to yoga three times after a three month hiatus.
With the help of my fabulous neighbor, a personal trainer, I've established a strength training routine that is both simple and challenging.
I ran my first ever 7K race (random distance, no?). I rocked my sparkle skirt and sparkly Active Band for the first time! This will be the sparkle I'll be rocking for the marathon on St. Patty's Day. And I ran a super hilly course in a respectable time, with an average pace of 9:48 minutes per mile, a pace faster than the 5K personal record I earned in September.

Next up: Treating Plantar Fasciitis (Or Attempting to Treat...) and Adapting My Training Plan

Ditching the Naughty and Nice List: A Faith Perspective

2011-11-30T13:38:00.000-05:00

I imagine this post isn't going to be popular. In fact, I'll be ducking to avoid getting hit with tomatoes from the moment I hit publish.

Last year I wrote about our approach to Santa Claus. Basically, we enjoy the fun Santa traditions with the knowledge that it's all pretend. Don't worry, my kids have awesome imaginations so instead of being deprived, they are let in on an exciting game of make-believe that we all play together. We are continuing with this approach this year while reminding our almost five year old son to not ruin the game for anyone else, because we respect how other people choose to celebrate.

This year I was struck by another reason why we don't do Santa in the way some families choose. Without getting into all of the history of Santa, Christmas, and the like, the popular Santa tradition is that Santa keeps a list of naughty and nice children all year in order to bring the nice children gifts on Christmas morning. This lends itself as a convenient tool for parents to encourage good behavior in the weeks leading up to Christmas. In the words of the popular Christmas song,

You better watch out!

You better not cry

Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

It doesn't stop there. Parents and the people who sell things to them are taking it to new heights. While I was aware of it last year, this year the Elf on the Shelf is quickly gaining popularity.

Each Elf on the Shelf package contains an Elf that your family gets to name along with a storybook explaining how the elves watch little boys and girls to report back to Santa nightly on their behavior. There are instructions to move the elf around each night so it adds to the idea that the elf is coming and going each night.
Similar to many Santa traditions I enjoy, I think the story of the elf is cute, and I love the idea of moving it around each night so the kids could excitedly wake to see where it is each morning. I also know how much we'd all like to ensure the best of behavior from our children to make life a little less stressful during a particularly harried time of year.

But, in the end, I have a problem with the very idea of naughty and nice list. I'm not a fan of labeling kids good or bad. I'm not a fan of threatening kids. I don't think manipulating kids is a healthy parenting approach. Not to mention, threats aside, it's a rare parent that would actually follow through by withholding Christmas presents to a child. It's not to say that in a fit of frustration and bad parenting, I didn't tell my kids the other day that I would return all their Christmas presents. I'm not perfect. I apologized to them and reality checked myself. I sincerely get the allure.

For us as a family of Christian faith, we celebrate Christmas because our faith celebrates the birth of Jesus on that day, the most magnificent gift we could be given. We give gifts to people we love and care about on that day in celebration of the gift we received in Jesus. We didn't receive the gift of Jesus because we were on the nice list.

In the same way, I strive to practice unconditional parenting because it's the example we've been given in faith, I also strive to celebrate Christmas with my family in a no-strings attached celebration of the gift we've received and a sharing of the unconditional love we've been given kind of way. With my kids and my family, there will be no naughty or nice list. Instead, we will give and receive gifts not because we deserve them or because we've earned them, but because we are sharing the joy of the most wonderfully undeserved gift we could ever receive. Jesus.

This year, I'm even more confident of our approach to Santa. While I can't wait to take a train ride with Santa and leave him milk & cookies, I'm hoping to ground our experience of the Christmas season in faith and giving. By the grace of God, we will celebrate.

Where Nothing Else Matters

2011-11-22T21:47:00.000-05:00

Last night at yoga, there was a moment where I joyously realized nothing else mattered. In that moment, it didn't matter what I hadn't gotten done that day or what needed to be done the next day. The stress didn't matter. The depression didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Not the the kids' bickering, nor the bills that needed to be paid.

Since I'm ~~suck at~~ am still perfecting my meditation, my mind wandered. I thought about running, and how I love running for the same reason. When I am running nothing else matters. I don't need to fill water bottles, make snacks, or juggle more balls than a circus act. When I am running, the only thing that matters is me - my foot steps, my breathing, my body. A lot of of runners talk about all the things they think about while they are running. Out there by yourself for more than hour at a time, you'd think a lot of thinking would get done. For some people it does. I realized on my 9 miler on Sunday that I did very little thinking, and I loved that. It was all about falling into a mindless rhythm, putting one foot in front of the other.

I love yoga and running because when I am doing those activities, I am able to fully engage. I am connected - mind, body, and spirit. I am present in that moment and nothing else matters.

I think we all need moments in our days where we can be fully present without working for it. Where we unexpectedly realize we are completely immersed in what is happening at that very moment. Some describe it as a state of flow. Some activities lend themselves to that type of state for certain people, like yoga and running for me. For others it could writing, cooking, painting, or just about anything. (Notice most of my examples are solo activities or ones you do alongside others but still on your own, yes, that's the introvert in me. Others experience flow when leading large groups or other extroverted things I can't imagine.)

Once you realize where you most often experience flow, you can almost go looking for it. That has its benefits, but on the flip side, I love when those moments of full engagement and stress-free presence sneak up on me like when I am tickling a little boy who should be going to sleep but is feeling a little silly or when I am snuggled in the mess of warm bodies in our family bed but instead of wondering whose foot is in my back all I can do is soak in the smell of a toddler's freshly washed hair and the steady rhythm of breaths surrounding me. In that moment, nothing else matters.

Have you experienced a state of flow? Where do you find those moments?

I will not be afraid.

2011-11-18T13:43:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I've posted about depression. Yesterday, I shared a link on facebook to a post titled I'm not a Bad Mom Because of Mental Illness. The post resonated with me, and I quickly realized from private messages, a few likes, and a comment that it resonated with others as well. I want to join the author in saying, I'm not a bad mom because of mental illness, and let me add, neither are you.

I've been avoiding this topic for all sorts of reasons, but what they all come down is that I've been afraid. Gulp. I've been afraid of the stigma that comes with mental illness. I know I shouldn't be. I know I've said I won't be. But to be completely honest, I have been.

Via pinterest

I was grateful for the support readers offered as I wrote about my depression, but I began to feel that if I kept writing it, if I couldn't write the champion's story who had won the battle, that it would get old. Who wants to read about someone else's misery? If I was the girl who was ungracefully living with depression instead of the girl who kicked its butt, wasn't I just trying to throw a pity party?

It's one thing to write about your journey with depression once you've overcome it, once you're on the other side. In that space, you can be honest and yet positive. You can talk about the hell you've been through, but put a rainbow-out-of-the-rain kind of ending on it. You can be the strong person who has beat mental illness instead the one that appears weak as they suffer.

Via Pinterest

But here's me being honest. I haven't won this battle. I've had ups and downs, successes and failures. The truth is I can learn to manage this chronic illness with tools and skills, but I will most likely never be cured. This will always be a part of who I am. Honestly, that terrifies me. It's hard enough to think about getting through today, tomorrow, this week, or this month. It's hard enough to try to do the work to make things better, to make things manageable. When I start to think that I will have to do this work for the rest of my life, well that gets scary. I try not to think about that because I don't need scary.

I'm done being afraid. That's not me. I'm kind of the girl who stands up for who she is and what she believes. I'm the kind of the girl who will shout things from the mountaintop and who laughs in the face of obsacles. I'm the girl who skipped my senior year of high school, finished college in 3.5 years, and who wrote a Masters thesis with a newborn. In one year I went from not being able to run a mile to running 13.1 miles. After a frustrating hospital birth with my first child, I educated and prepared myself to have the best birth I could (which was a blessed and empowering homebirth). I am strong, and I don't shy away from a challenge. I will not hide my journey. I will not be afraid of saying boldly, I'm not a bad mom, I'm not a bad wife, and I am not bad person because of mental illness.

Via Pinterest

This is an illness. I am not this way to some fault of my own or anyone else's. Don't treat me any differently that you would anyone else struggling with a chronic illness. I have good days and bad days. I work really hard to be the mom and wife that I am while trying to take care of myself. You may not be able to see it, but rest assured, I am using every ounce of energy, oomph, and spirit I have to fight this. Sometimes I'm successful and you'd never know how hard I had to work to get to that point. Other times, I'm not successful and you might have a hard time believing that I am even trying from the way I am acting. Regardless, I assure I am giving this everything I've got because I deserve it, my husband deserves the best me I can give, and my kids deserve the best mom I can be.

Back to the mat.

2011-11-16T10:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I found my way back to yoga after months of absence. I spent weeks telling myself that this would be the week I'd start attending regular classes. It didn't happen. I wanted to go, but I didn't want to have to go to that first class. I didn't want to hear the "oh where have you been? we missed you" line from my instructors and classmates. I didn't want to hear the moans and groans from my body saying the exact same thing. I didn't want to feel the guilt of not having made this a priority.

Via Pinterest

Despite scheduling mishaps, emotional breakdowns, and all of life getting very much in the way, I went yesterday morning. I'd say I was welcomed back with open arms, but it was even more than that. It was like I'd never left.

I parked in my usual parking spot, took the walk through downtown, put my keys on a hook and signed in. I said quiet hellos to the other students and the instructor while setting up my mat and blankets for class. There was no where have you been. There was no we missed you. As we chatted, I found myself spewing excuses as to why I hadn't been there until I realized they didn't care. They didn't care because they weren't looking to judge my absence, but instead they were there to just be there with me, to enter into our practices together.

Via Pinterest

In that space with those people, there is no judgment and no expectations. There are no mirrors to show me that I don't look nearly as graceful as I feel. There is nothing but acceptance. Acceptance for who we are and where we are. There's no success or failure.

If I took months off of running and tried to run my regular route, I would be met with screaming lungs and an angry body. I wouldn't be able to finish. I love to run, but there is something about yoga that feels like a warm blanket wrapping my body in the comfort of itself. Settling my mind, I can listen to my body. I can feel that hamstring I tweaked on my long run, but it doesn't scream. It doesn't keep me from my practice, instead it brings intention to it. Whether it's a good day or a bad day, in yoga my body and my mind are able to find each other. On the mat, it's not about what I can or cannot do. It's simply about being there.

And that is why I'll be working to make yoga as intentional a part of my training and my life as running.

It's official. I'm marathon training.

2011-11-13T18:28:00.000-05:00

First off, I promise non-running posts are coming this week, but first because this is kind of a big deal, ya know?

It's official. I took advantage of a discount on Friday 11/11, and registered for the Rock 'n' Roll USA Nation's Capital Marathon in Washington, D.C. on March 17, 2012. I'm going to run a marathon! Eeeek!

The folks at Rock 'n' Roll confirmed my registration and left me with the lovely sentiment, "Good luck with your training!". Training? Oh yes, I better get to it. On Monday of last week, I threw myself into developing a training plan. It looked something like this.

Ridiculousness really. I looked through a ton of plans, talked to some smart folks, and finally settled on a plan. Then I continued in typical Type A-ness, and made a journal to record my training and thoughts. I have daily sheets and weekly recaps. Finally, I decided if I was going to create all this awesomeness, I would have it bound. So here is my kickin' training journal!

Training journal

It opens up to an inspirational collage and my overall training plan.

Training Plan

Inspiration

My journal has daily pages, weekly re-caps, and a race day prep to finish it all off. It's not perfect. I've already discovered some things that I wish I'd put on it, but it allows me to record gear that's working, aches and pains, and how my training is going over all.

One week of training down! Less than 18 weeks of training left. I ran 22 miles this week which is nothing compared to what is coming, but it's more than I've ran since I finished half marathon training. Eight hilly miles were crazy hard today, but that's understandable considering I ran 5 hilly yesterday with 3 at race pace AND then I hiked 2 miles up a mountain (and then back down) with my 2 1/2 year old on my back! My legs are totally trashed, but hey, it was good practice running on tired legs.

So all this is to say it's on... 26.2 here I come.

Run the Bridge 10K 2012 and... what's next?!

2011-11-07T15:05:00.001-05:00

The short recap: I blew my goals and expectations out of the water! If you don't want to read the nitty gritty recap, at least skip to the end for the announcement I'm scared to death to be making (which is why I'm giving myself an out still...).

Last year, I ran my first 10K! It was a big deal. I ran with my friend Kristie for the first time (ha, we had no idea what that was the start of at the time!). I proudly finished in 1:07:44.


Mile 3 of the Run the Bridge 10K 2011

Since then I've done a lot of running of course. I was excited to run this race again. I hadn't put in a lot of runs since my half marathon at the beginning of October. At the same time, I knew I was a lot faster and stronger than last year. I knew I could PR, but I wasn't sure by how much. Considering my lack of training, I tentatively set an A goal of coming in under 1:02 minutes which would breaking a 10 minute mile. Big dream. More realistically though still seeming like a reach, my B goal was around 1:03:19 based on the McMillan Running Calculator and my September 5K. Meanwhile, my C goal was simply to beat my time of 1:07:44 from last year.

Things got a little more complicated when I got sick over the weekend. I had absolutely no voice, sore throat, and lots of congestion. I visited some friends in Washington, D.C. on Saturday, and I went back and forth about whether running on Sunday was even a good idea. In the end, I decided to run it. I figured I'd show up at the start, go out at a race pace of about 10:30 (knowing the the first part is uphill over the bridge) and speed up from there if I could and if not, I could slow down and just run it as a training run.

It was cloudy and chilly in the morning but turned out to be a beautiful day to run the Ben Franklin Bridge! Kristie and Mike who ran with me last year were running again. Kristie decided to race it (and she runs a lot faster than me), so we lined up, I set up my music (one earbud in, one out so I can still enjoy race atmosphere and camaraderie) and got ready to go with no idea of what my real plan was. Kristie and Mike took off fast, and I set off on my own. I was closer to the starting line than I should have been so I was getting passed by lots of people in the beginning, and I was also running faster than I should have been up the hill on the bridge. I was hurting pretty bad right from the start. Glancing at my Garmin, I saw I was running my planned pace of 10:30 but hurting a lot more than I wanted to be so I expected to have to dial back due to being sick.

The entire race was just surreal. I kept pushing myself up the bridge knowing I'd have the downhill to recover. I hit mile one on the downhill and say my split time on my watch, 10:06. Wow, that's kind of fast. I was plowing down the downhill. I grabbed water at the bottom of the bridge before turning around to head back over it. The uphill was hard, but I was just trying to get up it knowing I could recover on the downhill again. I hit mile 2 and saw my split time again, 9:21. What?! Um, I don't run miles at 9:21. At this point, I am convinced I am totally screwed having gone out faster than a 5K in this 10K race.

I try to slow down. I feel like I'm slowing down. I'm hurting, and yet when I'm looking at the Garmin my pace is always sub 10. I seriously began to wonder if my watch was broke. Then I hit mile 3 right as we were coming off the bridge. The race clock time said 29 something. I was in shock. I watched my Garmin to hit 3.10 miles, a 5K, to see my time. It was 29:46. That's 43 seconds faster than my 5K PR from September. At this point, I am both psyched I ran so darn fast, but kicking myself because I know there is no way I can hold onto this pace. You are just not supposed to run your best ever 5K during a 10K race.

At this point, all I could do was hold on for the ride and see how far my body would take. It was really strange. I kept looking around at the crowd and wondering to myself why it hadn't thinned out more when it was because I was running a much faster pace than I usually do. I also kept seeing people around me and thinking "you are definitely faster than me, why I am still running near you". It's hard to explain but you kind of get to know what your pace group looks and acts like, and the people around me were definitely not my usual crowd.

I hit mile 4 and saw a clock time of under 40 minutes. Shocked. I just kept on trucking. Somewhere in here, we ran along the river and the battleship. I knew a few hills were coming up so I was ready for them. I was hurting but just kept on pushing. When I hit mile 5 and the clock said 48 minutes, I almost laughed at loud. What was going on?! Shortly after that I saw Mike ahead. He'd slow down and I'd think I could catch him and then he'd take off. Around 5.5 miles, I finally caught up and grunted a hello. He said he'd run me in since usually that's Kristie's job and she was kicking butt running her own race. He kept talking to me but I couldn't hear much as he was on the side my earbud in. He was asking my goal, and I was looking at the clock thinking between 60 and 62 not knowing how much I could hold onto this pace.

Finishing in under 60

The last .75 miles hurt, but I just kept on pushing knowing I was almost there and I just couldn't slow down. I didn't know it at the time but my 6th mile split was a 9:05 - WOW!, and the last .2 miles were at an 8:28 pace. In the last couple of tenths, I was letting out a little moan or cry as I tried to push with everything I had left. I crossed the finish with whatever I had left in under 60 minutes! Official time: 59:07 which is a 9:33 average pace.

That's me in a world of hurt. Nice face, huh?

I'm still in shock. That's faster than the 5K pace that brought me an awesome PR in September. I am proud of myself for pushing. I am realizing I've got some speed hiding somewhere in this body of mine. I really felt like I just had to mentally hold on for the wild ride my legs were taking me on! I am totally amazed at my capabilities.

Thanks to Mike for running me in, I'll see what I can do about my end of the deal I didn't know I was making, ha.

Thanks to Kristie for being an awesome friend and my favorite running coach. And congrats on your fantastic race, too!

And now drum roll please for my next big goal.....

That would be the Rock 'n' Roll Washington, D.C Marathon (previously the National Marathon). March 17, 2012. I'm not 100%, but more about like 95%. I'm looking up training plans and going to start training this week since the race is a mere 19 weeks away, but I won't register for another week or two to make sure the crazy doesn't wear off. If I come to my senses, I might change my mind. 26.2 miles, seriously?!

that mom's bookshelf - November 2011 Edition

2011-11-03T10:19:00.000-04:00

This edition of *that* mom's bookshelf has been a long time coming, but every time I think about posting I tell myself I'll just finish the next book first. The next book always takes far longer than I expected, so here we are.

According to Amazon, I bought this book in January, 2004 which made me smile. That was when I first began to consider running. It was that June that I ran my first ever 5K and then two more in the year that followed. Now that I am back to running, I saw this on the bookshelf with a bookmark in the second chapter and figured I should give it a second try. I enjoyed it in that it captures so many of the reasons why I run, the reasons that I don't mind be slow or that I will never win a race. I found it hard to read at a few points because it all felt very quotable, like I should be highlighting or underlining every sentence for what it said. Some parts I skimmed as they talked about the very beginning of starting to run and the logistics of that, while other parts I ate up every word as he talked about life after that first year of running, when every race is no longer a PR and you are discovering running as a lifestyle after the pure joy of realizing you can in fact run. I loved his description of listening to where you are on any given day and asking what your body needs to run and what your heart needs to run. It's easy to get wrapped up in a training plan, but today, for instance, my heart just couldn't run. My body is ready to go, but my heart just said no, I need a day off. I ran a quarter mile and turned around. That was okay. It's about more than the miles on the plan or the immediate goal. This is a lifestyle, and it's about giving my heart and body what it needs which is sometimes a break.

Parenting Simplicity lines up with so much of what we strive for and struggle with in our parenting and our home. I loved that this book really took it step by step with concrete ways to simplify your home, life, parenting. I loved the discussion of rhythm and routine and its importance to children. We have a lot of work to do in this area, but I feel like I have a better direction to move that way. It is about so much more than stuff, though that matters too and the book reminded me all the reasons that mattered. It is about the total environment our children are exposed to from information to scheduling and more.

I love the Free Range Kids blog, and I thought it was about time I read the book. I liked it but was not wowed. I think that is because I am already a believer and follow the blog. It was set up in a useful way with tips on how to take everything from baby steps to giant leaps into a more free-range parenting style. I disagreed with some elements including her dismissal of the chemical BPA in plastics and other concerns in our child's life. I don't think removing such things from their lives is helicoptering but instead creating a safe environment so they can be as free range as possible. For me that's about minimizing the risks I can without encroaching on their freedom, and BPA is certainly one that is easy for me to do. That's just one example - there are a few things like that. But overall, I love Lenore Skenazy and if you are new to her ideas I would suggest the book.

I had high hopes for this book as I've been listening to Dimity and Sarah's podcast and reading their blog for a few months now. They are pretty hardcore runners, but they are funny and real. I was not disappointed with their book. I found the tone very familiar after listening to their podcast and blog for sometime. The book covered everything from the basics of starting out running to marathon running. I think that it might be intimidating or fail to connect with someone brand new to running. It could go one of two ways. It would inspire them to really dive into running to reap the benefits Dimity and Sarah write about, or it would lead them to think that they are not cut out for it because these people love running and are talking half marathons, marathons, training, etc. That being said as a runner who has run two half marathons and is in love with it, it was great. Some of the information was more geared for beginners but other pieces were really helpful. More than anything else, I felt this camaraderie with other mother runners and was reminded of all the things running gives to me. I might have been inspired to start thinking about a full marathon. I would highly recommend it if you are a mother runner or aspiring to be one, just don't take in stride if it seems a little intense. The information is valuable!

I have a high needs spirited child, and we reached to this book for some tools. I both loved the book and was disappointed with it. I agree and understand the pieces of the book. It emphasizes connection, setting the child up for success, and collaborative problem solving as a way to help not only minimize explosions but teach skills to cope with life. I appreciated the reminders that my child is not choosing to explode but instead lacking the necessary skills to deal with the problem in front of him. I think this book would be helpful for most parents, because while my child may be a slightly more severe situation at times, all children need and deserve collaborative problem solving. Parents need to be reminded that their child is not being manipulative and is not "out to get you". That said, while I found some helpful reminders in this book, I didn't feel I got as much new information and tools as I was hoping. However, I think that may be because this way of thinking lines up closely with our parenting approach. It was definitely worth the read, and I would recommend to anyone frustrated with a child's needs, demands, and tantrums regardless of their severity.

This is usually where bloggers disclose that they have amazon affiliate links in the post above and earn a small commission. I want to assure you I am not avoiding disclosure because I have no affiliate links. It's just one of my preferred places to buy books for the great prices and quick shipping! :)

Finding the Awesome

2011-10-27T10:25:00.000-04:00

I am not always very good at being positive. It's just not something that comes easily to me, especially on days with little sleep, many demands, and patience all but gone. I get crabby. I get negative. When a friend texts me to ask how my day is going, I furiously type some snarky comment about my children's frustrating behavior.

Sometimes those days pile up on each other. Those snarky comments may stand innocent on their own but when combined they create a giant ball of negativity. That negativity makes it easy to lose focus of all the things that make my life and my kids awesome.

As we maneuver through a bit of a rough patch in our family, I decided I wanted a reminder of how great my kids were for those days when I was convinced they were out to get me. I know that the very traits that drive me to the brink of insanity are the ones that will catapult them to success in adulthood.

Here's a look at my kids in all of their spirit and intensity...

My kids are awesome.

While I was working on these collages (which took far longer than they should have because life is life), I came across two blog posts that hit the mark on the shift I was trying to make.

How to Parent - What's Your Meaning?
Mission Possible: Are you up for it?

There's power in seeing the best of people, assuming the most positive intentions, and beyond assuming, taking the time to really figure out what's going on from another person's (especially your child's) perspective. There's power in immersing ourselves in the gifts each person in our family and in our life brings to us.

I'm going to blow up these collages and hang them in my boys' room so that we can all be reminded of how awesome they are on a daily basis.

Holiday Fitness Challenges

2011-10-24T08:07:00.002-04:00

I've been in a funk since my half marathon a few weeks ago. I've only ran 3 times in the last 3 weeks! Along with not running, I've found myself back in some old and terrible eating habits. I've got to shape up and get back into my good habits because I have a 10K race in only 2 weeks. I'm working on that, but in the meantime, I'm looking forward.

Source: None via Erin on Pinterest

Halloween is just a week away with Thanksgiving and *gasp* Christmas not far behind it. I've learned that being active is a key to my healthy lifestyle in more ways than one. Of course, being active is important for our health, but I also find that being active informs all of my other behaviors. When I am running regularly, I make healthier choices. When I am running regularly, I look at food as fuel. It doesn't mean I eat perfectly by any means, but my eating is balanced. When I am running regularly, I make sure to get sleep so I can run hard in the morning. And when I am running regularly, I feel more capable, more confident, and more in control.

The holidays can mean a lot of food but also a lot of stress. If I don't plan now, I will undoubtedly get swept away by the stress and the junk food. I want to feel good about myself and my journey on Christmas morning. I want to be able to enjoy the holidays without finding myself trying to dig out of a hole I've dug. With that in mind, I'm joining not one but TWO holiday challenges! I hope you'll consider joining me..

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First up, is Pile on the Miles 2011 hosted by Run Eat Repeat. This challenge is pretty straight forward, but here it is in Monica's words...

The Goal of the “Pile on the Miles” Challenge is to encourage us to pile on miles instead of pounds in November. We’ll do this by having everyone keep track of the number of miles they walk OR run each week. If you do at least 5 miles each week you’ll be entered in a drawing every Friday of the challenge.

Image Credit

Pile on the Miles will start on November 1 (right around the corner!) and end on November 24 (Thanksgiving!).

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Next up, will be the Holiday Bootie Buster Challenge 2011

This one is a little more complicated. It will run from November 19 to January 6 so it covers the major holidays. You get points for all activity include strength training, yoga, etc. There is a point system to let you know how many points you earn with various activities, and when you sign up, you sign up at a certain level (Builders, Doers, or Advanced). This is to separate those folks training for marathons and triathlons (Advanced) from those just starting out getting active (Builders) and those of us in between (Doers). It's so that the points system is more fair, I guess. I'm excited to get in as many points as I can. Just like running, I focus on competing with myself and supporting others to hit their goals! But there are some prizes at stake if you're into that kind of thing too!

Source: None via Emily on Pinterest

So there you have it. I'm motivating myself to beat the slippery slope of the holidays so I can feel good, stay focused, and enjoy myself! I say all the time that we work to set our kids up for success and this is the first step of setting me up for success. Next, I'll have to work on planning how I'm going to pile on those miles and accumulate those points!

What's your plan for the holiday season? Join me for a challenge!

International Brachial Plexus Injury Awareness Week

2011-10-21T21:55:00.002-04:00

This week is... almost over. But it's not yet, and it is International Brachial Plexus Injury Awareness Week.

What is a Brachial Plexus Injury?
From the UBPN...

The term Brachial Plexus Injury (BPI) refers to an injury to the complex set of nerves that control the muscles of the fingers, hand, arm, and shoulder. The nerves originate at the spinal cord and are formed in 3 trunks located in the upper shoulder: the upper trunk from spinal cord segments C5 and C6, the middle trunk from segment C7, and the lower trunk from segments C8 and T1. Other Terms for BPI.

Terms used to describe a BPI include Erb's Palsy (an upper trunk injury), Klumpke's Palsy (a lower trunk injury), Brachial Plexus Palsy, Erb-Duchenne Palsy, Horner's Syndrome (when facial nerves are also affected), and "Burners" or "Stingers" (usually associated with sports-related brachial plexus injuries). Torticollis is another term sometimes used in conjunction with brachial plexus injuries.

While Brachial Plexus Injuries can occur from all sorts of traumas, one main cause is birth trauma often associated with shoulder dystocia.

How can it be prevented?
It can be prevented? Oh yes, it can be prevented. Inform yourself about how to avoid a shoulder dystocia and be sure your care provider is confident in how to handle it properly without harm to the baby.

The UBPN website flashes these tidbits on their front page....

2-3 Injuries for every 1,000 births: More occurences than Down's Syndrome

Not your fault mom! Nearly all obstetrical cases are preventable with proper delivery techniques!

Do NOT give birth on your back: Laboring in the sitting, squatting or standing position and squatting to give birth is the best method to prevent shoulder dystocia.

LEAVE the TOOLS in the GARAGE! Forceps and suction assisted deliveries may increase injury incidences and/or the severity of injuries.

Birth is NATURAL, not a medical procedure.

Why does it matter to me?
This matters to me, because I am sick of doctors not being educated on things that matter. This matters to me, because I'm sick of mothers being told their bodies don't know what to do and being attacked with interventions that are outright dangerous when not used judiciously. This matters to me, because I'm angry the medical community is not being held responsible for the results of their decisions based on convenience.

It matters to me because of this little boy.

That's my nephew. He suffered a brachial plexus injury when his birth was mismanaged. His mother was forced to push on her back in a position despite her desire otherwise. When his anterior shoulder did get stuck, instead of using a variety of other techniques (including but not limited to the Gaskin manuever which involves flipping the mother onto her hands and knees helping open the pelvic opening and shift the baby's position) that are less invasive and very effective, the doctor cut an episiotomy and pulled on his head and neck damaging the nerves until he came out.

When he was born he couldn't move his arm at all. He has been blessed with a great network of support and a less severe injury than many. With countless therapy and specialist visits in the 3 years of his life, faithful daily exercises, and the mom that made all that happen, he has progressed wonderfully. But his journey has not been easy and is not over.

The simple fact is these injuries can be prevented with educated doctors and midwives, mother friendly birthing environments that support the mother's ability to give birth, and educated parents who demand their care providers wise up.

So please spread the word, learn about brachial plexus injuries, and help prevent these outcomes.

Resources:
Injury Awareness Week Starts
LETTER: Learn about brachial plexus injury this week
United Brachial Plexus Network, Inc.
BPI is a preventable injury to babies

It's not easy, but I know it's right.

2011-10-14T20:59:00.002-04:00

This child has always pushed me beyond my limits, forcing me to constantly grow and evolve as children often cause us to do. He makes me question everything, over and over again, weighing my instincts against the endless research and information while trying to tune out the pushy judgments everyone else is throwing at me.

Via Pinterest

When he was born, he was jaundiced. He was taken from me and put under the lights to help him process the excess billirubin. I was only allowed to see him every four hours to nurse him for twenty minutes. They told me he needed formula when I was done. I knew then that it didn't feel right. I knew then that this is not what I'd learned about breastmilk and treating jaundice. But I was scared, and they told me they knew what was right for my child. They didn't know, but I defaulted to them. We made it out okay resuming exclusive breastfeeding once he was discharged, and I learned about myself and what my child needed in the process.

It started in the hospital, but it continued when we got home. It continued months and months after that. He would scream. He would scream and scream and scream. He rarely slept and never slept without someone holding him, rocking him, or snuggling him. I was told that he'd get over it. I was told he needed to learn to self soothe. I was told he needed cereal in a bottle, lots of formula, and a host of other ridiculous things. I knew that he needed me. I knew it was my job to do whatever in my power to help him. I knew he didn't want to scream and that he had no idea what manipulation was let alone how to do it. I learned to listen to my gut and respond to the needs of my child.

When he still wasn't sleeping by 6 months or a year, the advice continued to pour in. Sometimes it was suggestions or a sharing of experience which for the most part I welcomed. Sometimes it was just plain judgment. If you would just do xyz, he'd be fine.... You created this problem.... What's wrong with your kid, my kid doesn't do that. I knew I had to listen to his needs, but it was hard. It was hard when I hadn't slept for months upon months. It was hard when everyone else seemed to have things so much easier. It was hard when it meant my needs and desires were put aside. I remember being away for a weekend with two other moms and their kids. When it came time for bed, I dutifully put my son in the stroller and walked him around the hotel parking lot for at least an hour, sometimes longer while they quietly put their children down to sleep and enjoyed chatting together. I remember the tears streaming down my face as I walked lap after lap around that hotel imagining the things these women, my friends, must have thought of me and my kid. I remember the tears just kept coming because I wondered if all the things they might be thinking were true.

Listening to and meeting his needs in all of these ways was never easy. Often, it made our lives a lot harder. Less sleep, declined social obligations, and sincerely thinking my nipples might fall off if I nursed him one more time. But I did it, we did it, because we knew it was right for him. Over the years it got easier. Maybe not as easy as everyone else seemed to have it with certainly less sleep than everyone else was getting, but easier nonetheless. And with that, dealing with the judging, both perceived and real, got easier. We'd found our groove.

Suddenly, it's not easier anymore. Suddenly, it's a lot harder. I find myself crying in the car wondering whether to decline a social obligation or to possibly push my son beyond his limits. I know my friends don't understand why it's even a decision, but they also won't understand when he loses control. I cringe as I actively problem solve with him knowing that the people around me think I'm a push over or that he just needs consequences and punishments. I get impatient and angry when every other adult can sit and enjoy dinner but I have to put my needs or desires aside to fully engage in meeting his overwhelming needs because they can't wait. And I'm reluctant to share our struggles knowing that I'll wonder, no matter how outwardly supportive someone may be, what they actually think, how thankful they are that their kid is not screwed up like mine, and what part of me or my parenting they are secretly deciding caused this all.

Source: thingsweforget.blogspot.com via Lisa on Pinterest

My nights are easier. I do get a little more sleep though still not through the night. There is less babywearing, nursing, and singing to calm crying babies and toddlers. There are less stroller laps around the parking lot. But my days are still filled with choosing to put his needs before mine, his needs before whatever society thinks he needs. Now that means spending my days practicing hitting our 'reset' buttons when things get tough (mine's my nose while his on his tongue - always good for a giggle). It means seeing how many imaginary candles we can each blow out when we are getting overwhelmed. It means dropping everything to run laps around the backyard or throw rocks down the hill. It means attempting to perfectly model skills for coping with life, stress, and emotions that I haven't yet mastered... and owning up with honesty and apologies when I'm not perfect (which is often).

And it means learning to stop judging myself so that I can accept the love and support coming from those around me who may not really understand it but are there to listen and love. Finally, it means forcing myself to stop wondering who is judging me and to continue trusting my instincts along with what he and I have learned about each other in the past four years. Together, we're learning.

Edited to add: Let me be clear that I am surrounded by some amazing people who support me and my decisions. This is not knocking them in the least. Sometimes the judgment I feel is completely in my head. Sometimes it's just me judging myself. Sometimes it's hard to be vulnerable and let others support you. But I am so incredibly thankful for the people who reach out, who lend their support, and who simply listen.

Just Have to Try Harder

2011-10-10T08:13:00.000-04:00

I haven't been writing much lately. It's not that there isn't stuff to write about or that I don't want to write. It's that I can't seem to find the words to write about the biggest thing on my mind right now. It's that I can't seem to find it in me to write about other things when I all I can think about is this.

I worried when I wrote about my depression how I'd be judged, but I got over it because I felt it was important to put my story out there. This time, yes I worry that I will be judged, but even more so that he will be judged. I worry that my sweet little boy will be judged, and I'm not sure that's something I can handle.

I couldn't handle that, because I have the most wonderful little boy. I have the most wonderful little boy who doesn't deserve to be judged. He is sweet and affectionate. He is funny and articulate. He is sensitive and acutely aware of his surroundings. He's the one who spots the great blue heron flying in the distance and the turtle hiding in a shadowy pond. He completely throws himself into everything he does getting lost in elaborate imaginative play with pirates, superheros, princesses, parades, and more. He makes piles and piles of books to read and sits seemingly forever while we read them. His favorite color is pink, and he makes up songs about random things throughout the day. He loves to learn and has always been the first kid at circle time for any organized activity we've ever done. He plays a good game of UNO and is a fabulous sous chef. He adores puddles, mud, and climbing trees. He runs laps around the outside of our house trying to beat his fastest time. He is a bundle of joy, energy, love, and cuddles.

And that's why I knew he was right when I laid in bed with him last night after a difficult evening and found myself unable to stop the tears.... he snuggled in and told me, "mama, maybe we just have to try harder."

So today, I will take a deep breath, shake it off, and remember why trying harder is the only option.

OCNJ Half Marathon Race Recap

2011-10-03T15:26:00.000-04:00

This is what I doodled a few days before the race. I was determined to finish under 2:30:00 and dreamed of finishing under 2:25:00 but I knew it was a reach.

Official Race Time 2:21:23. Average pace 10:48 min/mile

That's right, 3 minutes and 37 seconds faster than my REACH goal! I'm thrilled with how everything went to say the least. Four and a half months after my first half marathon, I took 25 minutes and 25 seconds off my race time. That's 1 minute 56 seconds faster PER MILE!

I'm amazed, proud, shocked, and excited about it all. I'm really learning what it means to push a in race. A few weeks before the race, I found this popular running calculator where you put in a recent race time and it calculates what your approximate race times should for other distances. I put in my recent 5K time and quickly said yeah right! when I saw the estimated half marathon time of 2:20:54. What?! A pace of 10:46 for a half marathon? That's so far from where I'm at. I even relayed this story to Kristie while we were running the race. Well, apparently I was wrong! I was just seconds off that pace and less than a minute from that time.

Another way to look at it is that last March (less than seven months ago), I ran a 5K in 33:58. I wasn't thrilled with the time but it was 30 seconds faster than the 5K before it. Well, that works out to a pace of 10:55. I ran a half marathon at a pace 9 seconds faster than my fastest 5K pace from just half a year ago. For those of you non-runners out there, your half marathon pace is usually a good bit slower than your 5K pace because it's much farther.

Okay, now that I'm done obsessing about the time, let me just say, it was a great race! For a small race with about 300 people running the half, it was well organized, great spectators, good food, and lots of water stops. I had a total blast running it. We ran out from the boardwalk to the Longport Bridge (only hill in the race) which we went over and back. It was a breathtaking view. After that it was around part of town heading back to the boardwalk.

I hit a porta-potty at some construction site on the side of the rode (after asking the police officer directing the race route if it was okay) somewhere in the 6th mile. We passed my mom and sister on the boardwalk not long after that which was comical because my mom was taking pictures, my sister was trying to get out of way, and I was trying to get my honey stingers from her.

From there we went down the boardwalk. The boardwalk was not closed, but at this point it didn't bother. It was only in the last mile that I was ready to kick some butts of people that would not get out of my way and might have cursed under my breath at some guy on a bike who nearly took me out.

We got off the boardwalk at the end and went a bit out before heading back. All the water stops were great, but the Ocean City High School Field Hockey team was the best by far! They were so many of them and they kept the energy up! We passed Paula heading out the other way who took a fun video of us. We were at mile 10-11, and I was still feeling great. I mean, I was tired, but compared to the Super Hero half when I was stopping constantly to try to stretch my legs and find it in me to run the rest, I was on top of the world. I was in a great mood. Some good songs came on from my playlist and I was even singing! (I ran with one earbud in and it was a perfect combo of music and being able to talk to people and take in the race atmosphere).

We got back on the boardwalk for the home stretch. I was pushing hard and hurting. I told Kristie I didn't have a whole lot left to give as far as a final push. At this point, my music totally and completely failed me. When making my playlist, I didn't know where my final push would be so I just threw some stuff on there. The last mile I listened to:

Rascal Flatts - Still Feels Good

Rascal Flatts - Secret Smile

The Police - Every Little Thing She Does is Magic

It was awful. Every time a song ended, I was begging in my head for something good to come on to get me through and each time I was totally let down. It made it feel like slow motion, but I had no time to mess with it find better songs. Lesson learned - better engineer my playlist.

The last half mile came up and Kristie yelled at me a bunch to keep up with her knowing I was too winded to swear at her, except I did swear when that bike almost killed me, but that was at the bike not her. We sprinted into the finish, and I made it! The last push was not as strong or as long as it usually is for me, at least I don't think it was, but I think it's because I ran harder steadily during the whole race which is better! My last mile was still my fastest with a 9:30.

I quickly went to work scarfing calories, gatorade, and chocolate milk to try to avoid getting as seriously sick as I have been after my long runs. With soft pretzels, sticky buns, chocolate milk, gatorade and water, I was good to go for a little while. Combined with my increased fueling during the race this helped me avoid getting sick and I actually felt really good all day besides my legs aching like mad.

It was a great race. It was FUN. I ran hard (my max heart rate on my Garmin might have been 205, oops). I raced well. And I was smiling when it was all done!

A few thank yous...

Thank you to Kristie for being an awesome friend and coach! She chit chatted with me while the first six miles flew by. Seriously, one spectator yelled at us for making him feel bad as we were not only running but gabbing up a storm while doing so! She carried my last packet of honey stingers that we grabbed from my sister at the halfway point and dosed them out to me on schedule. And she pushed me the last half mile even though I didn't have much of a push left.

Thank you to Paula for sharing her running wisdom and support over the past few months and for cheering me on during my training. It was so great to meet you and take some fabulous pictures together! You continue to be an inspiration as you keep smiling and keep moving!

Thank you to my fabulous in-laws, Mom, Dad, and Sara for not only hosting Kristie, Paula, and I, serving us a fabulous pasta dinner, and watching my kids Sunday morning! You guys are the best.

And thank you to my mom and sister who drove down just to see the race, carried all of gear around, cheered their heads off, took a billion pictures, and made sure I had the stuff I needed to not pass out post-race. They were so awesome!

Geared up and Waiting: 13.1

2011-09-30T13:18:00.001-04:00

My gear is packed, and I'm ready to go!

Nike Run t-shirt, Saucony capris, Brooks Adrenaline GTS sneakers, Zulu socks, Moving Comfort Juno bra, my new Bondiband headband (The girls I'm running with decided to get different sayings all on navy backgrounds so we coordinate. Aren't we cute? Mine says "Suck it Up Buttercup"), and my beloved Zensah compression sleeves which I'm saving for after the race unless I feel the need for them that morning.

And the important stuff.. my garmin, heart rate monitor, iPhone for music, armband, sport ear buds that actually stay in, Nuun, honey stingers, BodyGlide and my handheld water bottle! Oh and Gatorade for afterwards as I hope to ward off the awful recoveries I've had lately.

Taper time: It's all about me.

2011-09-29T15:46:00.000-04:00

Source

I totally should be wearing this shirt. I am a ball of nerves. If it's this bad before my second half marathon, I can only imagine what I'll be like when I decide to tackle a full (a feat I've not committed to yet!).

I ran my last 4 miles of training today, slow and easy. I decided to listen to a podcast while I ran and since I'm impatiently waiting for the next Another Mother Runner podcast (love their blog and love the radio show even more!), I tried out a Jillian Michaels Show podcast. Um, she made me cry.

It could be related to the aforementioned taper crazies, but as she was talking to this woman who had lost 100+ lbs but couldn't figure out what she was sliding into old habits, I got teary. Jillian discovered this woman was still dealing with and rebeling against the disapproval she received from her Phys Ed. teacher father while growing up overweight. He's been dead for years now but his legacy, unfortunately, lives on in her head. Everybody loves a good "all I want is my father's love" story, believe me I had my own, but it was more than that.

Jillian told this woman that this journey, this weight loss, or whatever else you're doing has to be about you. It can't be about your father, mother, sister, or the dog down the road. It has to be about you for it to last, for real, lasting change to happen.

My journey to health and fitness has been a rollercoaster for most of my life. I've had an unhealthy relationship with food for most of my life. I've gained weight, and I've lost it. Any successes I had were simply not about me. They were about fitting in my cheerleading uniform or getting my belly-button pierced. They were about my wedding dress. They were about losing baby weight or fitting in clothes. Whatever it was, they weren't about me. I'm not saying I didn't have successes, learn things and get stronger and healthier. I did, but I always backslid.

Running is different. Running is about me. Yes, weight has come off, and continues to come off, slow and steady. As of today, I've lost 40lbs since January 1, 2010. But the weight loss has truly been a byproduct of running opposed to the other way around.

Running is not about my depression. It's not about the scale. Sure, it might have started as a way to lose some weight and deal with depression, but it is so much more than that. It's not about my kids. It's not about my clothes. It's not about society or the media. It's about me.

That's why I run. For the past 12 weeks, I've been selfish, in a really good way. I've taken time to run 173 miles. I've taken time to stretch, listen to my body, learn how to fuel it, and take care of it. In the past 12 weeks, I've wandered through the woods and pounded down the road, with no one but myself covering mile after mile. I've gotten to know myself, my thoughts and my breathing. I've learned that I love to sweat; it makes me feel good. I've learned that some days I don't want to run and that's ok because this is about me. I've learned that when I take my stress out on the treadmill I can bang out miles faster than I thought I was capable. I've watched my body change, muscles being carved out of the legs I once knew. I've learned to push myself meeting goals outside of my comfort zone because I want to.

Source: etsy.com via Jamie on Pinterest

I know it takes its toll on my family, and I appreciate their endless support. Whose husband yells at her for not buying both running shirts for an upcoming race when she couldn't decide between them? Whose mom plays 15 games of Guess Who so she can squeeze in a training run? Who deals with my ups and downs, emotionally and physically even the days after my long runs where I get physically ill because I haven't figured out my magic refueling formula? Yea, that was even on my vacation. That's my husband and my family. I know why they cringe when I talk about taking on 26.2 someday. This is a team effort. Having the support of that team for something that is completely and entirely about me is incredible and I am filled with gratitude.

Occasionally, I start to feel selfish, not in a good way. I see how hard it is to fit in my runs, to buy my gear, and to have my head focused intently somewhere else. But then I remember how much running gives me and instead of feeling selfish, I focus on that gratitude to the people who make it possible.

With that, I'm one day closer to the OCNJ Half Marathon where I'm determined to leave it all on the course and do what I've prepared to do for me.

Calm Rested Ready: 3 days until 13.1

2011-09-28T21:24:00.000-04:00

Source (aka where to buy this for me)

I'm not quite there, but that's where I'm aiming. Calm. Rested. Ready. Tomorrow, I will run my last 3-4 mile training run wrapping up 12 weeks of preparation for the OCNJ Half Marathon on Sunday. This will be my second half marathon. On May 15 of this year, I ran 13.1 miles for the first time in my life in the Super Hero Half Marathon. It was hard. I did it, and I was proud. But I wasn't thrilled with my performance or the experience.

This time around, I am more prepared, both mentally and physically. Last time around, I ran 112 miles in the 12 week training period before my race, about half of my training plan. As of tomorrow I will have ran more than 172 miles in the past 12 weeks. That's 60 miles more than last time around! That's an increase of more than 50%! And I can feel it. I am faster. I feel stronger. I am less injured though I still have some pain from a tailor's bunion. I trained harder but also smarter this time around. I am absolutely better prepared.

Source: google.com.au via Jamie on Pinterest

Things I'm doing differently this time around:

*Running with music in addition to my awesome running coach, supporter, and all-around great friend Kristie. Plus, Paula will be running with us too! I do all of my training runs with music, so it only makes sense to have it available to me if I need to zone out to something other than Kristie's fabulous chatter (love ya girl) at some point.

*Fueling MORE! My plan is take water at every other water stop, knowing I can stop on the one in between if I ever feel I need it. (I will pass a water stop 11 times.) I will also be taking 3 honey stingers every 2 miles to start with a few extra on hand if I feel I need them.

*I will be at the starting line super early come hell or high water, as I refuse to miss the start. I think that messed up my mental game more than I realized in May despite knowing it was all chip-timed. It was about the adrenaline, the crowd, and the ready feeling.

*Being sure I have food and Gatorade ready at the finish. In May, I only got a tiny protein bar at the finish because they were out of other food. It took me days to recover. I've been struggling as it is to recover from my long runs but I know I need more calories both during my runs and immediately following.

*I'm ready to push like I learned to do at my recent 5K. I've ran a half marathon before. I even ran a 13 mile training run this cycle. I know I can run this. Now, it's time for me to race this.

Source: simplysadiejane.com via Jamie on Pinterest

I ran my first half marathon in a painful 2:46:48 which works out to a 12:44 average pace per mile. Two weeks ago, I ran a glorious 13.0 miles on my first full day of vacation in the Outer Banks of North Caroline in 2:31. So I've got big goals.

Excuse my bad iPhone picture, but this is what I doodled while drawing with my kids today. The first goal not listed was to arrive at the starting line uninjured and trained well. I could certainly have tweaked things but I'm proud of what I've done. The next goal is to finish. Then assuming all goes well, I am determined to run a sub 2:30 race. I need to say assuming all goes well, because a lot can happen in a race and I'm not setting myself up for self-loathing should something not go well.

At the same time, I have my eyes on a sub 2:25. In the spirit of racing faster than you train and learning to leave it all on the course trusting the training I've done, I think this is possible if conditions are good but it's definitely not a given. It's a reach.

So there you have it. I'm busy pulling together gear and making lists to travel down to my in-laws who are graciously hosting us on Saturday night, and my legs are telling me I need to stretch after a cruddy 3 mile run today. Tapering is no fun!

I'm alive!

2011-09-27T09:51:00.000-04:00

Okay, I'm back from vacation and alive. Wow, this transition to Fall has really been kicking our butts. First getting ready for school and then getting ready for vacation. At the same time finishing up half marathon training and getting a new patio put on our house. All really great stuff, but boy, we cram it all it at once!

My half marathon is this coming Sunday! You'll have to forgive me for at least one or two running related posts this week. After that I have some other posts brewing on everything from Unconditional Parenting from a Christian faith perspective to a look at our latest attempts to create greater rhythm in our home (gotta figure what those will be before I can write about it though). Plus, there's a *that* mom's bookshelf post coming soon!

In the meantime, here are some snapshots of vacation to share with you all. We headed to the Outerbanks for a week. It was exhausting and fabulous all at the same time. I loved getting to co-parent with my husband 24/7. It felt so good to work as a team and connect as a family. It was great to see other family we don't see very often - my dad, stepmom, step-sister and her husband. Plus getting to watch my kids play with my nephew all week was such a blast (although exhausting in its own right because of course they didn't always get along).

This kid loved the beach.

Brothers

Sand angels

Sunset over the Sound from the deck of our house

My nephew enjoying the hundreds of acres of sand at Jockey's Ridge State Park

Happy family

And now it's back to reality... or really at the moment race preparation and nerves!

Links I Love

2011-09-12T21:37:00.000-04:00

We leave for a week of vacation in the Outerbanks on Friday so we are very busy getting ready for that, while at the same time sending the kids off to their first day of school tomorrow (which was supposed to be Thursday but was postponed due to flash flooding and more flooding in the school). It's all a little crazy. I have a few posts begging to be written, but in the meantime, here's some reading I've enjoyed and wanted to share with you!

5 Tips to Ramp Up Your Long Runs and 7 Mistakes to Avoid on Your Long Runs @ Active.com were great quick reads as I'm gearing up for next half marathon and getting in my last long training runs. 13 miles coming up this weekend and then it's taper time!

Motherhood As Vocation was an interesting read to me as I wonder about my vocation, call to ministry, and goals as a person and mother.

A great how to for making homemade vanilla extract from Kitchen Stewardship. We just got our beans, and I am very excited to begin the process.

Motherhood Brings Me Down @ Mothering.com really captures the way I feel motherhood grounds me.

That's all for now... now I'm off to catch up on my google reader that has almost 200 unread posts waiting for me! Eep!

the planet robot and all eleven miles: priceless

2011-09-11T21:40:00.000-04:00

More posts on the way but in the meantime, I had to share this. A conversation between my little man (4 years old) and his Daddy at bedtime.

Ben: I love you so much.
Daddy: I love you so so much.
Ben (realizing this is a good game): I love you to the planet robot.
Daddy (having read that children's book and knowing the proper response): I love you to the planet robot and back again.
Ben: I love you to the planet robot and back again and around the house 5 times, no not 5 times, 10 times.
Daddy: I love you to the planet robot and back again and one of mommy's long runs.
Ben: all eleven miles?
Daddy: yes all eleven miles.

And with that, Ben was satisfied that he was loved a lot.

PUSH: Labor Day 5k Race Recap

2011-09-06T20:40:00.000-04:00

I told you about my goals for the Labor Day 5k. Most importantly, I wanted to push myself leaving everything I had on the race course. After that, I really wanted to beat my times from March as well as last year's Labor Day 5k but also beat a 5K Personal Record (PR) from June 2005.

A recap of the numbers...
Labor Day 5K 2010 - 34:29
St. Patty's Day 5K March 2011 - 33:58
5K PR June 2005 - 32:41

I nailed it. My Garmin time was 30:26. My official clock time (that includes the time before I could make it across the starting line as I stuck towards the back of the pack) was 30:46. That's the absolute fastest I have a run a 5K in my life. My goal was to push, and I pushed.

My split times were:

1 - 10:02
2 - 10:10
3 - 9:39
.1 - :45 (7:17 pace!!)

Yes, that's me sprinting into the finish with everything I had left.

To be honest, I am so freaking proud of myself. I trained well despite setbacks. I focused on my goal. I pushed myself to a place I've dreamed of being for six years. Six years ago when I ran my first 5Ks (three of them before quitting until last year), I dreamed of running a 5K with a sub 10 minute mile. Done.

As I was preparing mentally, I kept reminding myself to push. In previous races, I ran like I did in my training runs. I didn't understand the idea that you should race faster than your training times. I figured I got my body to do something, I practiced it, and I replicated it. I like consistency. In reality, during races you are supposed to pull out every ounce of strength you have conditioned into your body through consistent training and run faster than you ever have.

As I psyched myself up, I ~~argued~~ whined about this push thing (which at some point starts to sound a little too much like childbirth as my husband noted, but indulge me.) Push like I haven't pushed before? But I feel like all I do is push. I push to do more and more. I push to fit more into the day. I push to find more patience than I have. I push to meet everyone's needs at all possible times being the perfect mom, wife, board president, and everything else I can't possibly be all at once. How could I possible push more and why should I?

I could push more, and I did beause this was about me pushing me. I spend a lot of the rest of the time allowing myself to be pushed and pulled in this direction and that. Pushed to fit more into my calendar, into my day, and into my head than is healthy. I am pushed to my breaking point emotionally, mentally, and physically by the strains and drains of every day life. I have to lead this, volunteer here, learn this, be that, and so much more. Pushing myself in this run was about taking the control back and choosing how and why I wanted to push myself. When I take back the control, when I do the planning and the preparation, and when I decide to be the one making the priorities and sticking to them (with the loving support of my family), that's when pushing is both successful and rewarding.

I am loving pushing myself to go the places I want to go and to be the person I want to be.

And now for some gratuitous cute pictures of my kids who ran yesterday, too! This was Ben's second year running this race and third race overall. He really wants to do a looong run, so I am working to find a mile race and start running with him. This was Elijah's first race which was totally cute.

All the runners, post race with our ribbons.

Ready to Race

2011-09-03T21:18:00.003-04:00

Monday morning I will run the Warwick 5K for the second time. Last year, it was my return to running after more than 5 years off (and having barely been a runner before that).

Finishing my first 5k in 5 years - Labor Day 2010

I am ready for this race. Since I ran last year, I have run my first 10k, another 5k, a marathon relay, and a half marathon. I weigh 15lbs less than I did last year for this race. Last year's time was 34:29. I ran a 5k in March in 33:58. The fastest 5k I've run in my entire life was June 2005 with a time of 32:41. That is my time to beat. Speed isn't something that comes easily to me as I've focused on building distance over the past year of learning to run, but I've spent some time working on it this summer. Regardless of whether I PR (runner lingo for set a personal record), I'm determined to run hard and leave it all on the race course.

Tomorrow I'll run 2 easy miles to loosen up my muscles because they need it after a killer workout last night. I was stressed to the max and had given up on my workout. My husband was finishing up dinner and in a moment of calm in the chaos told me to go run. Just GO. So I did. I hit the treadmill in the basement as a result of the insanity, but it was way better than skipping the workout. It was a huge stress relief, and man that stress lit a fire under my, well, you know.

 Excuse the fuzzy picture, but that would be 5 miles in 50:22 with a 1.0 incline (so slightly downhill). I felt awesome! That's faster than my 5k goal race pace!!! Holy moly!

I am also psyched to run with a kick-ass playlist. As I've been working on picking up the speed, I've been realizing the difference the right music makes. This is the first custom playlist I've made for the purpose of speed and getting my through this race. I've never raced with music before because I like to be able to talk to other runners and enjoy the atmosphere, but Monday is all about focusing on my goal. If music helps me do it, I'm all for it.

5k Race Playlist

Rolling in the Deep - Adele

Party Rock Anthem - LMFAO

Run the World - Beyonce

Real Gone - Sheryl Crow

Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne

Where Dem Girls At - David Guetta -

U and Ur Hand – Pink

We R Who We R - Ke$ha

Raise Your Glass - Pink

Fighter - Christina Aguilera

So what do you think? Do you run to music? What do you like?

I'll also be racing with my fancy schmancy new Garmin Forerunner 305 which I am still learning to use but is totally fun. I cannot wait to come back Monday afternoon and post my race results and recap for you. If you're impatient, I'll get immediate results up on Twitter (@hippypastorwife) and Facebook.

Back to School

2011-09-02T13:39:00.000-04:00

It's Back to School time around here. I know many of you this time has come and gone, but our kids start back in just 6 days so we are working to get everything ready for a great school year.

My boys attend a nature-based Montessori school that's just on the other side of our church from our house. We love to walk through the woods to school. They attend Tuesday and Thursday mornings from 9-1pm. We love the school with its home-like atmosphere, Montessori program, organic garden, and farm animals. In return for a discount on our tuition, I watch a class during the lunch break on Tuesdays and Thursdays and my family takes care of the animals (3 goats, 1 sheep, and about a dozen chickens) on one weekend day and half of the holidays. It's a wonderful community of which we are glad to be a part.

Road and school grounds flooded during Hurricane Irene

Right now, that community is struggling as the school sustained a substantial amount of damage from Hurricane Irene with their lower classroom and basement storage areas being completely flooded. The community is rallying to get things repaired and ready for the start of the school, but it has been heart-breaking and stressful for the director and staff.

Beginning clean up - the process of removing everything from the flooded rooms

In the meantime, I am still working to get our boys ready for school. I have two main goals when it comes to Back to School shopping. First, buy as little as possible. Second, buy as safe as possible.

First on my list is always lunch gear. Another thing I love about our school is that they ask us to provide no-waste healthy lunches (including cloth napkins for cleaning up and for a place mat because they eat outside at picnic tables weather permitting) and even compost any food scraps. Last year we used Goodbyn lunch boxes, and they were cute and simple. I even got a great deal on them. I don't plan on switching out lunch boxes and backpacks every year as I think that is unneccesarily wasteful if they products are still in working condition, but I am continuing to minimize our family's exposure to plastic especially around our food, so the Goodbyns would have to go.

After some research, we decided to get SugarBooger Zippee! Lunch Totes. They fit my criteria of being BPA, Phthlalate, Lead, & PVC-free plus they were cute and not too pricey. We also invested in Kleen Kanteen water bottles for each boy's lunch so that we wouldn't always be searching for their other water bottles they use in the car and when out and about. They were a great price, too!

I also ordered bamboo sporks for each child's lunch box so utensils would be simple. We already have lots of cloth napkins, so I will designate and label two napkins for each child. For the rest of the food storage, we'll use some of the reusable storage bags, stainless steel or glass containers that we already have. Then we fill those lunch boxes with healthy, homemade food. We avoid processed and prepackaged snacks. We do yogurt, fresh fruit, veggies and dip, homemade crackers or granola bars, sandwiches when we have homemade bread, wraps, pasta dishes, or leftovers from meals.

A spork! Fun, right?

What else do they need for school? Well, our kids need slippers! When they get to school they take off their shoes and put on their slippers keeping the home-like classroom nice and clean and encouraging the children to comfortable. My little guy fits in some hand-me-down slippers, and my big guy fits in his slippers from last year. In the interest of buying as little as possible, they will use those until they grow out of them mid-year when I will replace them. This will mean the next pair will last longer than if I bought new automatically for the beginning of the school year. I love to buy my slippers on etsy supporting handmade artists. I got my first son's first pair that my second son will be wearing this year for $15 including shipping!

They are these except brown with green guitars from Scire4's Etsy shop. (Photo credit).

As far as clothes, I'm waiting to go through the things that don't fit and take them to a resale shop near here, then using the credit to fill in the gaps in their sizes and seasons. I try to be as frugal as possible, while buying earth and child-friendly. I'm looking to replace many of our fabrics with organics at the same time. I'll also be using the last of Mabel's Labels to help label all our gear. Luckily, we're good with backpacks this year, but I'll be doing my research this year for when we need to replace them.

So what am I missing? What are your favorite back-to-school buys or gear? What's important to you when it comes back-to-school shopping?

What Do You Need for Your Journey

2011-09-01T09:41:00.001-04:00

Last night, I had the opportunity to preview Dawn Trautman's new webinar she'll be hosting this evening, Thursday Sept. 1, at 9pm EDT, Smooth Travels: 10 Essentials You Must Pack for the Journey to Your Next Big Goal. From the registration page,

You know what to pack for your next road trip, but what do you pack when your "journey" is toward a big new goal? Embark on your next big adventure equipped with these 10 essentials.

If you are launching a new program at work, entering a new phase of life or pursuing a lifelong personal goal, find out what you need to "pack" in order to be organized and prepared in ways that increase your chances of success. Learn specific, action-oriented techniques as well as new ways to think about your goals.

This free 60-minute webinar includes real-life stories, high-impact tips, and exercises for you to complete on your own. Your time is valuable, and this may be among the most valuable 60 minutes you invest all week.

I've talked a little bit before about Dawn as I've taken her eCourses: Personalize, Organize, and Realize. Dawn is a board certified life coach (one of the first!) and writes a blog full of juicy nuggets from travel tips to new perspectives on your day to day life. One of the things I've enjoyed about the eCourses with Dawn is how she breaks things down into manageable pieces so something that seems really vague and like it might not helpful to your life is suddenly very applicable and you can see the real life results. Her webinar was no different.

Source: 364quotes.blogspot.com via Jamie on Pinterest

Last night Dawn said something that struck me, and I hope she wont mind me quoting it here. She it said in describing what she does and where she comes from as a life coach - "I live, work, and volunteer completely within my passions and gifts and believe you can, too". There is great power in that, in aligning your goals with your gifts and passions so that you can spend more time, even all of your time, doing things that make your soul sing. It can be hard to imagine, but that's what Dawn does. She helps you imagine just that and then figure out what you need to do to get there.

So last night, after a chaotic day around our house (well a chaotic couple of days including hurricane prep and storm, road closures, lack of power, and flooding all over our area, and my mom hurting her back), I scrambled to be ready for the webinar. I made it just in time.

Ready with my computer, pen and paper, and a glass of something yummy

The webinar was fun to listen to, but I also had to do the work. She's not kidding when she says have your pencil and paper ready. The beauty of that was that you get a take away. So many things like this are all theory or vague ideas so that once the session is over, it can be difficult to implement them into your life. Or sometimes webinars are just a big commercial keeping you from the real content until you sign up for courses or services. This wasn't like that at all!

Dawn walks you through the process of really thinking about a specific goal of yours unpacking "what you need to pack" for the journey to that goal. She provides you with skills, tips, and processes that can apply to any goal at any time meaning these are lifelong skills. Plus, this is an opportunity to get a glimpse at how Dawn works and what she's all about for FREE (plus you get a few discounts at the end in case you decide you'd like to work with Dawn on a more regular basis). It's like a little taste of life coaching. But let me reiterate, it is not just one big commercial. Even if you have it set in your head that you have no desire to work with a life coach or take an eCourse, there is content that is useful and fun in this webinar. It's definitely worth the hour of your time!

I am in the middle of training for my second half marathon. I have a training plan I'm following trying to prepare mentally and physically. During the webinar, I had a few realizations, but I'll just share one with you. I realized I need to stop letting other add-on goals squeeze their way in making my real goal less manageable. If my goal is to run my second half marathon in the same or less time as my first, then that's it. I can't make qualifiers about feeling a certain a way when I finish, or losing a certain number of pounds before race day, or continuing to shave time off my goal time. The more I add to my goal the less realistic it becomes. When the game is always changing, I can't plan accordingly or stay focused.

So check it out. It's free, and it's a great excuse to tell the family you're taking a little you time, grab a pencil, some paper, and your beverage of choice (a nice cup of tea would be lovely, but I went for a glass of wine), and think about how you are going to get to where you want to be.

The Fine Print: I received a discounted life coaching session in return for previewing the webinar to test out the technology. This post was not part of the 'deal'. It is simply my desire to share the opportunity with you. All thoughts and opinions are completely my own.

I love...

2011-08-24T12:46:00.000-04:00

I love... that a 3 mile run seems like too short of a workout.

I love... that there is such a thing as an easy 5 mile run.

I love... that my idea of a 'splurge' is a device that will help me train smarter while continuing to set and achieve tangible achievable goals. (I don't love that it arrived not working, but we're going to fix that).

Garmin Forerunner 305 (arrived broke, but fixing that)

I love... finding music that makes me want to move faster. (Another post with a race playlist is coming soon...)

I love... that I have a 5k in 12 days and instead of lamenting how unprepared I am but convincing myself to run it anyway, I'm pushing myself to prove that I can break a personal record (PR) that I set 6 years ago.

I love... that today I ran the fastest 5k I have in 6 years outside with rolling hills. Just 11 seconds faster, and I will have that PR.

I love... that I can have awful runs and bounce back. I love redemption runs.

I love... that I run for me, and no one else. It's not about being skinny, losing weight, or anything else. It's about me, setting goals and accomplishing them. It's about figuring out what I need to succeed. It's about the freedom that getting strong, healthy, and happy gives me.

Source: honeywerehome.blogspot.com via Jamie on Pinterest

I love... that every day I run, I feel happier, stronger, and more like me.

I love... running. Not just the after-run feeling anymore. I love it while I'm doing it. It makes me smile. And I love that.

Links I Love

2011-08-22T13:10:00.000-04:00

Simplemom shares her love of Pinterest on her Weekend Links. Have you checked out Pinterest? I love it. You can see my pinboards here. I agree with Tsh that it's not just another time-suck when used well. It's a helpful tool for inspiration, organization, and resources. Every time I log-in, it's like a little treat gazing at beautiful things, searching for ideas, or being motivated.

I love this breakdown of GAPS, WAPF, clean-eating and more. Lately, I've been particularly annoyed with the confusion around nutrition and proper diets. Of course, I also get to add the fact that I don't have a gall bladder to the mix. For now, I find I feel best when I am eating mostly vegan, but I see the value you in traditional foods diets. My body just doesn't seem very happy with them for now, but I'm continued to research and will continue to try things.

Do You Love Yourself over at thedailylove is a wonderful testament to the simple yet immense power of loving yourself.

At Rhythm of the Home Learn: Take a breath connects yoga, parenting, and life through breath and rhythm. I am enjoying discovering the ways my yoga practice informs my life and my life informs my yoga practice.

And finally, I loved this post, Motherhood Is a Calling (And Where Your Children Rank). As long as you avoid the temptation to get all martyr-like with it, I appreciate the perspective on our call to motherhood as children of God raising children of God.

What links are you loving?

Time for a Time-in, Not a Time-out

2011-08-20T21:27:00.000-04:00

Over the past few days, I've watched my 4 y/o get a little more short-tempered and a little more physical day by day. Things that he would normally brush off before began to send him into a tailspin. He started to lash out with gritted teeth, angry words, and physical pushes, shoves, and hits when angry. My response? I got frustrated. What was he doing? He knows better than that. I don't have time or energy to tolerate this. Just STOP. C'MON!

My little boy with big emotions

Surprisingly or not, my frustration didn't help the situation. It continued. This morning from the moment he woke up, he was short-tempered, angry, and tense. He was switching back and forth between screaming because his brother messed up his train tracks or puzzle to begging to cuddle quietly on the couch. Clearly he was feeling off. We were up a little late last night, and I knew he was tired. We attempted an early nap, but that didn't happen.

At times, it seemed like he was fighting with himself. He wanted to play, he wanted to interact, and yet when something didn't go the way he wanted, he just couldn't handle it. My husband and I traded off duties at home with him doing a visit for work in the morning and me running to the store in the afternoon. The kids played. They watched part of a movie. They made pickles. And even after all that, Ben was still off.

By the time I returned from the store, we were all tired. I tried to put away packages. Hubby tried to finish canning pickles. The kids tried to kill each other while screaming loudly. We were all frustrated. It'd been a long day of tip-toeing around Ben and trying to help him function. We needed to get dinner on the table and get the children to sleep.

When the last brawl broke out and Ben hit his little brother in the chest after we had just spent the last fifteen minutes talking about not hitting and finding other ways to deal with our problems, my husband and I were done. I yelled at Ben. I angrily picked him up and handed him to my husband who took him to his room. On the way there, Ben absolutely lost it. He was screaming, hitting, and kicking. Once in his room, when his Dad tried to come in to talk to him, he threw a hardcover book at him.

Having calmed the little brother down, I went upstairs to take over. I opened the door and had books thrown at my face. There was screaming, banging, and kicking the door. He looked angry, upset, and... terrified. He didn't know how to stop. I had been so focused on the effects of his actions on me, how frustrating, annoying, and exhausting they were, that I had missed how confusing and scary it must have felt for this little boy with these giant emotions.

I managed to get a hold of him, and I didn't let go. He tried to kick, hit, and bite me while I told him I loved him and I wanted to help him. Soon, his kicking and hitting was mixed with attempts at hugging. He didn't know what to do or how to stop. I offered to go outside and run with him if that might help him feel better, and he looked up at me and nearly begged, "just snuggle me." And so I did.

Over the next little bit, we found our way to his bed where we curled up together. He burrowed into my chest and said, "I missed you, mama." I offered sleepy music, and he gratefully accepted. I offered some Peace and Calming oil, and he said, "yes please". I got some Valerian Super Calm, and he eagerly took the dose.

At one point in this process, his little brother found his way upstairs, wandered in and began to take apart some of the floor puzzles Ben had finished during rest time. I watched Ben tense up. I watched him look at me, begging for the calm we had been creating. Luckily, Dad quickly came and got the little guy so Ben and I could connect.

We laid on the bed and cuddled. He slowly began to perk up and chat a little telling me about the games he'd played with Dad earlier. I asked him about the favorite things we'd done lately and he told me how much he liked swimming. I asked him what his happiest moment of the past few days had been, and he took a deep breath before saying "right now". I asked him what his saddest moment had been and he got very quiet before saying "just before now." And then we talked more about what he was looking forward to in the next few days.

I was amazed by how in tune he was with what he needed. I felt stupid for missing all of his cries for connection and help in the past few days. I regretted the frustration and annoyance I had felt at his "bad" behavior. I'm not sure what caused the disturbance to begin with, but it doesn't matter. My son was telling me he needed me and that he felt out of sorts by his behavior, and as his mom it is my job to listen to his actions and his words and help him. It is my job not to lecture him or to punish him, but instead to connect, listen, and be present with him.

After just twenty minutes of time together spent talking, cuddling, and reading, it was time for dinner. He went downstairs a different child. He sat next to me at dinner and chatted away. After dinner, he cheerily asked for me to play with him until it bedtime, and actually said, hooray!, when I told him that it was time for bed. Meanwhile, I was spent, exhausted by the culmination of frustration and stress combined with the emotional work of helping him sort through the intensity of his own emotions. But clearly, it was exactly what he needed, and I hope that next time I can key into that sooner, even if just a little.

Our kids have so much to tell us if we simply listen. Sometimes, they need a time-in so much more than any time-out.

Being Enough: Be Enough Me Monday Link Up

2011-08-15T07:45:00.001-04:00

I got pointed towards a great new blog, Just.Be.Enough, when a blogger I follow Robin from Farewell, Stranger guest posted there. Robin's post, On High Standards and Hating Myself struck a chord with me as a recovering perfectionist. After looking around at the rest of the blog, I fell in love with this post, 37 days.

...The truth is that I am not a perfect parent, nor do I ever expect to be. I am the best parent I can possibly be, or at least I try (on most days). There are some days that I know I am not at my best, and yet, that is the best I can muster in that moment. And you know what? That has to be ok. That has to be enough...

Go read it. I'll wait.

There are so many people that need to hear this message of being enough. Knowing that you are enough empowers you to just be. To be present. To be happy. To be aware. To be loved. To be everything you are meant to be and already are.

In parenting, in depression, and in life, be enough moments can be hard to come by, rare even. It can feel like we always need to be something else for someone else. It can feel like we always need to be something more. Just a few days ago, I became acutely aware of a be enough moment before I had the words to call it that. It is a moment that I am blessed to recreate daily, sometimes twice daily.

I have a two year old son who still loves to nurse. He realizes he is sleepy around bedtime and naptime, climbs onto my lap, and says "mommy nurse me, please". It is the sweetest phrase to hear, and while sometimes I say not yet or hold on or I feel annoyed at having to stop what I am doing, that all quickly melts away. It melts away when we climb the stairs to our family bed and he crawls to his spot waiting for me. It melts away when no matter how upset, anxious, exhausted, or overstimulated he is, he curls into my arm and latches on. In that moment, we both breathe a sigh of relief and contentment as we melt together. It doesn't matter that we've been fighting all morning and I have no idea how to teach him the things I need to teach him (like you can't throw your wooden car at the television set repeatedly). In that moment, I know that I am enough. I know that I am everything he needs. No matter my parenting failures, my short temper and my tired days, in that place and time, I am meeting that little boy's every need, and together we are finding forgiveness, grace, love, and connection.

It's in that moment, that I truly believe that I can just. be. enough.

Scream-Worthy Runs, Fun Leg Gear, and Gross Energy Gel

2011-08-14T20:53:00.001-04:00

I'm still running. Technically, I'm five weeks into my half marathon training schedule gearing up for my next half marathon in Ocean City, NJ in October. It's been a lot of ups and downs much like the rest of my life.

My first challenge was a touchy calf, achilles, and shin on my left side in the first few weeks. I had to back off some miles and let it ease in. It's doing much better now, in part thanks to my fancy new compression sleeves. Check these out. Aren't I fashionable?

I'm new to the compression gear, but I'm pretty much in love already. According to the description of the pair I got, they provide "pin-point compression to shin and calf muscles to improve blood circulation, performance and muscle recovery." I've both ran with them as well as put them on post-run. Sometimes I've done both. All I know is they feel good. I kind of want a compression jumpsuit to put my entire body in after wearing these. Compression tights might be next on my list.

For now, my husband finds me sitting around the house like this. Those are my new toe stretchers. I was skeptical and paid only $4.26 for them (although I see they've dropped below $4 now!). I was hoping these might help with the constant pain I'm in from the tailor's bunion on my left foot while I avoid cortisone injections and surgery. I'm not sure they are a miracle cure, but they definitely help reduce the pain! I can bend my foot more without pain than I could before after using them. I probably need to use them more, but I don't spend that much time sitting down.

After taking some time off to ease my leg into things, I was knocked on my butt by some strange illness I still haven't figured out. My husband has Lyme so that's a consideration, but for now, we are waiting blood test results and just trying to live gently while I recover. This means I've lost a lot of training time. So far, I should have covered 79.5 miles according to my training plan. I've covered 48.66 of those miles. This isn't exactly new to me as I had only covered about half of the miles on my training plan going into my last half marathon, but I wanted this time to be different. At the same time, I have to listen to my body and do the best I can.

Paulinskill Valley Rail Trail

With that in mind, I logged some miles in the last 4 days after a 10 day break. I started with 3.5 miles on the treadmill on Thursday playing a little with my speed. On Saturday, I ran 4 miles on the Paulinskill Valley Rail Trail. I love the trail. Very pretty, nice and flat, though it was very narrow at points causing a few rolled ankles. The most exciting and alarming part of that run was when I startled a deer standing just two feet from me. It jumped and ran across the trail in front of me, and I screamed. Like loud. Ha!

Today, I headed out in the rain hoping to get in 8 miles. Was I being overly ambitious after being injured, then sick, and not running for 10 days (with spotty training before that)? I kind of think so at the moment. It was a crappy run. I worked my way through 5 miles slowly and grumpily. Starting at mile 3, I was mentally and physically fighting myself to go each half mile farther. At 5 miles, I stopped to hit a bathroom and take an energy gel.

A friend gave me some gels she wasn't using so I could try them. I liked Clif Shot Bloks so I thought I might like Clif Shot Energy Gel. The one I tried was Razz flavored, and it didn't go so well. In fact, I gagged and spit it out on the side of the trail. I think it was the texture... and the flavor... and everything about it. I had a vanilla gel with me too, but thought I'd do better with the Razz. Not so much. I'll stick to Shot Bloks and Honey Stingers.

After that catastrophe, I stood on the side of the road in the rain having a bit of a temper tantrum. I did. not. want. to run ANYMORE! I was cranky, tired, and my legs hurt. I was supposed to do another loop of the park I was at but convinced myself to just run home at a faster pace to make up for not hitting my mileage. That lasted for a few tenths of a mile before my legs just stopped. I hit the intersection where I would turn to head the 1.5 miles home. I was pissed at myself for all the stopping, so I headed in the opposite direction determined to finish the 3 miles I needed despite the walk breaks I'd taken.

Yep, that's how I felt about the whole run.

Well that lasted about a mile before my legs rudely stopped moving in the middle of one of my peptalks. Seriously, they just stopped. My head was all, "you're doing great, just 1.5 miles from home, just bang these out and you're done. You can consider it a success despite the walk breaks" and my legs were all "yeah right, we're done." Finally, I gave up and called my husband a mile out to come pick my butt up. In the end, I squeaked out 6.8 miles, though the first 5 were the only real continuous miles.

But, I'll get myself up and brush myself off. My next race is a 5k on Labor Day. It's the same 5k I ran last year starting this journey with a time of 34:29. I'm determined to run hard, leaving everything out on the road. I'm determined to best my time from my 5k in March (33:58), but also fight hard to set a new lifetime PR (one that was set 2005, 32:41). It's going to be a stretch, but I want to fight for it. I've got a redemption run in my future, and then it's on with the training. I've got speed work and long runs on the brain.

Joyful Moments

2011-08-13T11:38:00.000-04:00

Simple joys found yesterday. Cooking with fresh produce from the garden and the CSA. The overwhelming aroma of fresh-picked rosemary. Rainbows of colors in a simple meal of roasted vegetables and potatoes. A morning at the fair, and a little boy's joy. A few stolen moments of quiet with some lemon water and an inspiring book.

Finding My Way Out: A Mental Health Rant

2011-08-06T08:38:00.001-04:00

I've been sitting on this post for a little bit because I didn't want to seem too... I don't know, depressing? Angry? Negative? Crazy? Whatever it was, I was reminded by the many people who have thanked me for my honesty regarding depression why I need to post this.

You see, lately I've been riding one hell of a rollercoaster. Up, down, and all around. I've made some behavioral strides and explored all sorts of options. I've thought I was on the way up and out of this hole only to plunge deeper into the darkness just days, hours, or even minutes later. I know I need help on this journey. I need a hand or 5 to reach down into this hole over and over again to pull me out.

Photo credit: e_pics on Flickr

One of my problems is those people, places, things that I thought could be those hands look a lot more like those people standing near traffic lights waving their signs touting the best or biggest sale, good, or service "just around the corner". Everywhere I turn someone or something is trying to convince me they know the cause of my mental health crisis and If I follow their instructions and/or buy their product I'll be cured!

I have books and magazines lining my shelves that tout all sorts of varied herbs, supplements, or foods to balance my emotions. I have 400 pages to read about how nothing besides homeopathy will cure me in the end. Or maybe its essential oils. There are cleanses and diets. Is the the imbalance in my gut bringing me down or is my body mourning the death of all those animals I eat? Exercise programs remind us that endorphins make us happy. Of course, my energy also needs to be rearranged and weekly massage can change your life (yes, I'd file bankruptcy and my kids would be left home alone because who has time and money for that!). And let's not forget those hormonal imbalances. Spiritual warriors claim prayer, yoga, and meditation are the one and only answer, and let's not forget the Bible. Most depressed people just need more Bible in their life, those years of famine and war really liven things up. Meanwhile my husband has Lyme disease which has led us to a slew of research where we learned anxiety and depresssion are key symptoms and often misdiagnosed.

What's that you say? Oh yea, that's why all those holistic, natural, or hippy dippy modalities don't work. They are all an expensive crap shoot. I need modern western medicine. Guess what... Counseling and psychiatrists are expensive. A thousand dollar deductible means that much is straight out of our pocket to start. Damn me for being so healthy we never meet out deductible.

Source: lovelypackage.com via Nicky on Pinterest

But wait there's more, our insurance offers 6-free counseling sessions. I called and qualified for those. I was told I'd hear from a therapist in 48 hours to schedule an appointment... two weeks ago.

Meanwhile how do you choose a therapist to whom you will bare your soul ans entrust your mental health? Eeenie meeenie miney mo on the insurance website. If that doesn't work out, well then go pay another $150 out of pocket to try someone else. Not to mention that getting the energy and gumption up to do each of these things is enough to put you over the edge all by themselves. But, you must do them over and over again until someone can freaking help you.

Oh but there are drugs. Drugs fix everything. Except the miracle drug is as hard as the perfect therapist to find a good match with and along the way you get to screw with your nervous and immune systems all while experiencing really great side effects like weight gain, low libido, heart palpitations, headaches, nausea, fatigue or more! Each drug claims to be the miracle cure in the same way all those natural methods do, and they are both crazy expensive exhausting, confusing, and depressing routes to explore.

Source: imgfave.com via Stacy on Pinterest

I know many of these approaches have merit and that it is all a very personal journey. For everything I mentioned I think I can tell a story of a person it saved and a person it could have destroyed whether by action or inaction. I know I have to figure my own way out, but battling mental illness requires more work and tenacity than many healthy people I know have. But I'm expected to do it between sobbing, raging, and forcing myself to get out of bed.

Well for tonight, I am putting away twitter and the blogs, Dr. Google and Blue Cross Blue Shield. I'm retiring the phone with all the possible doctors names programmed in and hiding the fish oil and progesterone cream. Tonight, I give up. But tomorrow morning, I'm lucky enough to wake up and try this again... a la Groundhog Day. I can only hope one of these days I might figure out something to change the cycle.

A Love of Books and the Library

2011-07-22T06:10:00.004-04:00

I love books. I always have. I often had my head buried in a book and was known for reading while walking, eating, and while I couldn't read while sleeping, I did regularly fall asleep with my head on a book while reading late into the night. I finished those summer reading challenges to read x number of books within a week of getting out of school.

Source: jenniferzwick.com via I on Pinterest

As a young child, my mom introduced me to the smell of a new book. It was one of the first things we did when we got books. I ran my fingers over the cover and the spine almost tingling with excitement to discover the world contained within. Then, I'd open the book, press my nose to the middle, and breathe deep.
I simply wanted to devour books with all their sensory goodness.

When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up the answers varied only between author or librarian. In particular, I wanted to be an elementary school librarian so I could share my love of books with children early in life and spend my days reading to the various classes that would visit me. I loved to learn about the authors and illustrators of my books and by third grade I could tell you about the person who wrote the book I was reading, what else they had written, what awards they had received, and a little bit about their life.

I want my kids to love and appreciate books as much as I do. In fact, all of the things I want to impart on my children this is only rivaled by my desire for them to love nature. I want them to be excited about the possibilities of a new book. I want them to dive into magical worlds and travel to exotic places all from the comfort of their bunk bed or a rocking chair on the front porch. I want to join them on some of these journeys, and others I can't wait to watch them set off for on their own.

One of the many piles of books laid out in order waiting to be read in our house.

With this in mind, I have a confession. It was only this week that I finally took my children to the library and got library cards for the town we moved to two years ago. My older son had been to story-time at our old library a few times when he was 2, but other than that my boys didn't know what a library was. In fact, Wednesday morning when we were reading the piles upon piles of books they had taken off the shelves to read and I looked at the two of them and said hey do you want to go to the library to get some books? my 4 year old responded but mama we don't have money for that. So, we see that not only do they not have a clue how the library works, but also that I've explained to them all too often that some things cost money and that means we can't do them all the time. Of course, the sweet book-loving boy that he is he quickly said But wait! I could get my money from my piggy bank! before I could explain that the library is free.

We went to the library. We got library cards. I soaked in the moment when we walked into the children's section and my son looked around in awe saying they are just so. many. books. Do you think we could read them all? Oh what we have been missing. Now, it's not to say it was a perfect trip. Elijah, at 2, decided to freak out when he didn't have a balloon like the kids coming out of a children's program, and he was quite impatient with the idea that I had to give the book of his choosing to the woman at the desk to check out before he could take it home. But, Benjamin? Oh and Ben and I could have sat there for hours.... running our fingers along the spines, sitting at the table with a carefully selected pile, and reading every single one. In fact, as we did just this for a little while I had a few small children gather around us for our own little story time. Maybe, I am fulfilling those childhood dreams of imparting a love of books to children and spending my days reading to them after all.

Source: demotivation.us via I on Pinterest

I am excited to have a weekly library routine with the kids to nurture our love of books, connect with the community, and learn the responsibility of keeping borrowed books safe and returning them promptly. (I might not have been so good at that last part in my youth, so we'll work on that lesson nice and early.) And before I know it, I'll be begging for the boys to pay attention because it's time to wash up for supper and they are off fighting dragons or solving mysteries right before my eyes. I can't wait.

Realize: A Habit of Affirmation

2011-07-21T07:39:00.000-04:00

The Realize eCourse I am taking that I told you about is well under way. We are talking about goals - the big and the small - along with the behaviors and habits that help us accomplish them. With 21 days left, Dawn has challenged us to start a new habit and stick with it for the rest of the course. I can't tell you much more about how it all ties in with the work we're doing, because, well, you just need to take the course for yourself!

But, I will share the habit I've chosen. I'm committing to 21 days of daily affirmations, because through my struggles with depression and anxiety, positive self-talk and a positive outlook is a big challenge I face. I've written my personal list of affirmations on my bathroom mirror to read every morning. I'm telling you for both accountability and support.

I've never been a big affirmation kind of person. First because I am a master at negative self-talk and a recovering perfectionist, but also because it all seemed a little too 'self-helpy' and flaky to me. I'm coming to find I could use more than a little quality self-help, and I am discovering that the sarcasm and cynicism I've worn as a badge of honor for some time now is not serving me. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I will transform into a Suzy Sunshine or lose my love of sarcastic humor, but I think re-framing the way I think about who I am, where I am, and how I am is an important step in my journey to seek wellness.

Do you use affirmations? What positive habit could you start for the next 21 days? And have you checked out Dawn's blog which has great little nuggets to consider as you look at your own goals and habits?

Links I Love

2011-07-19T21:45:00.000-04:00

Here's some link love, and I hope I'll be able to do some more writing this week. But we'll see. Summer is a little unpredictable around here!

Mayim Bialik on discovering her son is colorblind @ Kveller. I usually love Mayim for her great perspective on holistic parenting, but this post steps outside of those lines. It's a beautiful look at the lessons our children have to teach us when we choose to listen to who they are and where they are coming from.

Dear Erica Jong @ Raising My Boychick is a spicy response to the controversial piece Erica Jong wrote on attachment parenting imprisoning mothers and killing their sex lives. Google it, no desire to link.

Creating Children's Spaces in Every Corner of Your Home @ Childhood 101 displays a beautiful home and a beautiful way to live with your children. You mean it's their home, too? You mean I might want to be able to spend time with them while doing things I enjoy or need to do? Yep. Lovely.

Working the Kinks Out @ priorfatgirl is a real and honest look at the journey to overcome emotional eating and find healthiness that overcomes everything about you, inside and out. On a similar note, you need to read you need to love the part of you that binges if you've ever struggled with binge-eating.

that mom's bookshelf - July 2011 Edition

2011-07-16T13:49:00.000-04:00

This was originally going to be the June edition but I find myself taking weeks to get a book finished lately. Here are a few of my latest reads.

While reading this book, I felt this constant feeling of having the wind knocked out of me. I was overwhelmed by how much it resonated with me. I've never read a lot about depression and a few lights went on while reading this. Depression is exhausting. Physically so. It's not just in my head. The constant anger and irritation I feel when I'm not feeling quite so down-in-the-dumps is not normal or me, it's still the depression. This made me realize how often I feel the effects of depression even times when I thought I wasn't having symptoms. For many people, living with and recovering from depression is really hard and a lifelong endeavor. I won't lie, this terrifies me. The frank discussion of the effects maternal depression has on children was both upsetting and awakening.

This book deserves a blog post of its own, and I have about 3 drafts started and abandonded. I was overwhelmed by how much this book made sense to me, and yet how it turned everything I've been taught about children upside down. It really defines a difference between what some call gentle discipline or gentle parenting with this radical look at unconditional parenting, where the goal is not simply to have a child who listens or who behaves as you'd like but to have a child who grows up confident, strong, compassionate, and joyful. Kohn asserts that rewards are as bad as punishments and that manipulating our children with behavior management fails to help them develop their own moral compass. With a rewards and punishment system, they are listening, behaving, or displaying manners for selfish reasons, for the reward or to avoid the punishment. Whereas, Kohn suggests we cultivate an awareness of the results of our actions, how others feel, and above all else focus on the child knowing that no matter what they do or how they do it, they will be loved. They do not need to earn that love or attention with behavior or accomplishment. It's been a few weeks now, and I feel like I need to read the book again. I feel like it really embodies what my husband and I would like to embrace in our parenting and lines up with what we believe theologically and the way we have been called to raise children. (It's not a religious book; I just found it in line with our own spiritual and religious perspectives.)

I struggle with food, eating, and weight. I have most of my life. I am continually trying to read on the subject of emotional and compulsive eating. I enjoyed the second half of this book much more than the first. It is very Christian, as in conservative, Bible-belt-ish Christian. It regularly compares our struggles with food with other struggles like that of premarital sex. While my theology does not line up completely with the author's, I did take some good tools and perspective from what she wrote. I felt comforted from hearing another's story and inspired to continue to deepen my faith and reliance on God while making healthy choices for my body. I had been looking for a text that connected our healthiness journeys to faith and spiritual discipline and this did that.

I love Jennifer Weiner. It was love at first chapter when I read Good in Bed in college. Laugh out loud funny and real. From that point on, I was getting every book she wrote the day it was released. Since then,I've gotten behind on my fiction reading. My husband got me this one for Christmas and I finally got around to reading it. It was good. It wasn't the laugh out loud and cry at the same time experience I've had in some of her other books. This one was a little more mellow, but that was ok. I read it quickly when I haven't been able to get past the first few chapters in other fiction lately. I always love Weiner's characters. They are vivid, real, and always quirky. Certainly worth a read!

The Strike of July '11 is Resolved!

2011-07-15T23:12:00.000-04:00

I am delighted to tell you that the strike is OVER. A week and a half ago, I told you how my son had gone on a nursing strike all because of my purple Barney boobs caused by gentian violet and that I was leaving him for four days with no idea how it would all end!

I returned Sunday night from a much-needed four day vacation with 15 amazing women in Branson, Missouri. I started talking to these ladies on an online forum in April 2006 when we were pregnant with babies due in January 2007. Since then there have been more babies born, online forums changed, and so much more. Some of us have met in person along the way, but this trip to Branson was the largest gathering of our group of almost 30 women. It was a fabulous weekend of fun, sun, and relaxation.

But, I won't say that it wasn't without stress on my part thinking of my little boy at home who wasn't even asking to nurse while Mommy was gone. The little guy enjoyed what he came to refer to as "mommy's milk water" in his sippy cup (water because that's all that ever goes in his cup, and yet he realized it was mommy's milk). I pumped twice a day and took my fenugreek faithfully. In the meantime, I had no idea how it was going to turn out when I returned. I spent a lot of time thinking about why I was so upset about the whole situation.

I felt guilty for leaving my son despite being in loving, caring hands and despite him having an absolute blast while I was gone. I felt guilty because he might wean permanently because I took a trip, although the strike started with the gentian violet I used for thrush. Still my fault.

I felt regret for not soaking up every last minute of our time nursing because I assumed he'd continue to nurse for a while just like his brother did. I felt regret for wishing away those night nursing sessions and for saying no sometimes when it wasn't a convenient time to nurse and I knew he could wait.

I felt scared at the idea of having to figure out how to parent this little boy without breastfeeding as a tool. I wasn't going to be able to nurse away injuries or reconnect after a crazy day in the trusted way we always had. I was scared at having to handle naptimes and bedtimes without this tool. I was scared because of all the things I strive to do as a parent and often fail whether with my patience or creativity or whatever, nursing is one thing that I had almost always gotten right. What kind of mother would I be without that? What kind of mother would I be if I had screwed up the one thing I knew I could do?

Sigh. I returned late Sunday night. I was thrilled when he nursed overnight half asleep. I soaked in every second of it. My husband tried to talk to me as we were going to sleep and I shushed him because I savoring what might be our last nursing session. He nursed in the morning still groggy. I had hope. But, at nap time he asked and then refused. My heart broke. I was crushed. He cried. I cried. I didn't know what to do. He had asked to nurse so I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't actually nurse when I went to latch him.

After some Q & A time between us (always interesting with a 2 year old), I finally offered to nurse him sitting up instead of side-lying and he agreed. We nursed! HOORAY! I snuggled him and loved it, and snapped a few pictures with my phone of course. (Again what if this was the last time?).

The next few times were a little tentative, but we seemed to now be over whatever hump it was. He may ask to nurse sitting up once in a while still, but will also nurse side-lying and doesn't hesitate to latch. I can see the relief in his face as much as I can feel it in my heart. Together, we've figured it out.

Blurry fireworks picture. They get so big so fast. These are the moments.

It was a big reminder that I need to be more aware and present in my parenting. There are no givens. Nothing can be taken for granted, not even a little nursing session before bed. I am soaking in the moments more often, and I am working to be aware of the other ways I can positively parent this little boy. Some day he will be done nursing and together he and I will figure that out, but I am so glad it wasn't now and it wasn't like this.

What's Growing in My Garden

2011-07-15T12:01:00.000-04:00

It's a beautiful day, and I am enjoying a little bit of on my porch with some green smoothie catching up on a few computer things. I love this spot!

It's time for a garden update. It's getting pretty exciting in our garden, and despite some flea beetle issues, things are doing pretty well.

Just kind of looks like a jungle from here.

We got a lot of lettuce, some spinach and some kale. Unfortunately with some really hot weeks and full sun, our lettuce bolted early this year. Our front porch hanging baskets are doing okay, although they'd be doing a lot better if we watered them more often. We might transplant them into the garden to get a second right of lettuce.

Our strawberries are done for the season but we got a couple pounds out of them despite having some tiny critter climbing in to chew on some. We are still getting handfuls of grean beans at a time but we just didn't have enough seedlings make it for those to be plentiful.

Tomatoes are looking good. We picked 5 big zucchinis and two tiny purple peppers from our chinese five color pepper plants.

Our herbs are doing great except when I forget to water them (oops). Our extra beds we planted without fencing got half eaten but we expected that. They are some happy tomato plants in them though.

I need to start figuring out fall garden stuff because I'd really like to do a second planting this year. Do you plant a second crop? Any tips or resources?

The Strike of July '11.

2011-07-06T21:59:00.000-04:00

My son is on strike. A nursing strike that is.

Beware. There will be talk of boobs, nipples, breastfeeding and more in the following post.

It all started with some thrush. The boy was up all night for a few nights in a row, nursing non-stop. I might have stayed in a sweaty sports bra too long a few times. Circumstances conspired against me and I felt the tell-tale burning feeling of thrush along with hot pink nipple to boot. I dutifully started my probiotics and grapefruit seed extract. Instead of getting better or staying the same, it got worse and fast. I cried when I took a shower from the water hitting my chest. Nursing was extremely painful.

It was time to pull out the big guns. The gentian violet. Gentian violet is a remedy for thrush that I have found to be effective when nothing else is. The big problem with it is that it turns everything it comes into contact with bright freaking purple. Really. The last time I used it was a few years ago when I was tandem nursing both my boys. The baby didn't care what color it was, but the 2 year old thought it was fantastic that his brother's mouth was purple. He couldn't nurse enough because he wanted to be as purple as possible. Did I mention we were going to one of my grandparent's funerals that day?

So, this time around, I nursed the boy to sleep one night, and then applied my purpley cure. We nursed overnight and in the morning when he first woke up no problem. I thought all was well, until I went to nurse him down for his nap later in the day.

He took one look at my bright purple Barney boob and pointed. "what dat". It's mommy's medicine. "You blue." Well, yes I am purple. "You blue, nooooo." Do you want to nurse? "Nooooooo!" This was followed by an hour of screaming, crying, rocking, and doing anything else I could to help him fall asleep for naptime.

For the next few days this continued. He nursed late at night if we brought him home almost asleep, and it was too dark to see my lovely purpleness. He nursed once in the morning when he was groggy and not paying attention. But awake and aware, he will not go near me if nursing is the topic.

The purple is nearly gone now; it's just the tiniest tinge, but still he won't nurse. We tell him it's all gone, and he gets excited, but once he goes to nurse and sees my nipple, you'd think it was trying to bite him. Mama's gonna get a complex here.

So here we are in the middle of a nursing strike. Something I've never really experienced before, except for maybe a day or two with my first son when he was still a baby. He is 2 years and 4 months old. People have said, "great, wean him!" or "I don't understand what's wrong, you nursed him long enough." I understand they are well-meaning, but I believe in the benefits of child-led weaning. It was a wonderful experience when my older son weaned at 3 years 10 months. Then, I knew it was the right thing. I knew he was ready.

Sure, between ages 2 and 4 is a common age for weaning. And while most weaning occurs rather gradually over time, children have been known to wean quickly and abruptly in the same way that some children learn to use the toilet and ditch the diapers seemingly out of nowhere. The problem is I just don't know. If I knew this was all him doing this and not my purple Barney boobs, I still might be sad and a little uncertain. Because I figured we had at least 6 months to a year before this happened. It makes bedtime and naptimes a nightmare. It shortens our cuddle time in the morning. And, it would be the end of a 4.5 year continuous stint of breastfeeding. I'm not sure what to do if I'm not a breastfeeding mom. But in the end, if this was on his terms then I'd know it was right and that I met his needs in the best way possible for as long as he needed it.

To make the situation worse, I leave tomorrow morning for 3 nights away. It's a trip planned with friends, and he has always done very well when I was gone picking right up with nursing when I returned. I've gotten more than my fair share of flack for leaving my attached nursling previously, but he is also the son of a very attached co-sleeping daddy and a devoted grandmother who now lives with us and has always met his needs. It's not the same as mom being there, but we've all gotta make decisions. Considering the last time I left the kids, I was violently ill for the first 48 hours as a result of sheer exhaustion, I think they are better off for me taking a trip every once in a while for some much needed rest and recovery

However, tonight, I sit here knowing that the few seconds he latched on this morning before figuring out that I was still vaguely purple may have been the last time he'll nurse. It makes me want to cry, throw up, and admittedly even rejoice all at once. Weaning wouldn't be so bad, but I don't want it to happen like this. I'll be crossing my fingers and dragging my pump and my fenugreek with me on the plane so that I can make sure I have milk for him if he wants it when I return.

I am totally *that* mom.

Finding the Right Running Shoes

Whole Food Kitchen

Hard things.

Tinker Bell Half Marathon Race Recap

I'm Going to Disneyland!

Why Run in a Costume

Why I Skip Church

18 Miles Towards Mental Toughness

Sacrifice and Focus on the Road to a Marathon

Links I love

Longest Training Run & 2012 Race Schedule

Feelings should be felt, not eaten.

Tinker Bell and Paying It Forward

2011 Blog Recap

2012.

Merry Christmas to Me!

12 Weeks of Marathon Training

Christmas Critical Mass

Ornaments

Eating Our Way Through Christmas

Chicken Pox

The Plague of Plantar Fasciitis

The Injured Runner Blues

Ditching the Naughty and Nice List: A Faith Perspective

Where Nothing Else Matters

I will not be afraid.

Back to the mat.

It's official. I'm marathon training.

Run the Bridge 10K 2012 and... what's next?!

*that* mom's bookshelf - November 2011 Edition

Finding the Awesome

Holiday Fitness Challenges

International Brachial Plexus Injury Awareness Week

It's not easy, but I know it's right.

Just Have to Try Harder

OCNJ Half Marathon Race Recap

Geared up and Waiting: 13.1

Taper time: It's all about me.

Calm Rested Ready: 3 days until 13.1

I'm alive!

Links I Love

the planet robot and all eleven miles: priceless

PUSH: Labor Day 5k Race Recap

Ready to Race

Back to School

What Do You Need for Your Journey

I love...

Links I Love

Time for a Time-in, Not a Time-out

Being Enough: Be Enough Me Monday Link Up

Scream-Worthy Runs, Fun Leg Gear, and Gross Energy Gel

Joyful Moments

Finding My Way Out: A Mental Health Rant

A Love of Books and the Library

Realize: A Habit of Affirmation

Links I Love

*that* mom's bookshelf - July 2011 Edition

The Strike of July '11 is Resolved!

What's Growing in My Garden

The Strike of July '11.

I am totally that mom.

that mom's bookshelf - November 2011 Edition

that mom's bookshelf - July 2011 Edition